#200 The Women

I've had a few questions about the women in the previous entry.  One about the strong family resemblance, and another about faith.

Yeah, the cheeks and chin seem to breed true!  I'm a bit of an anomaly, my version is a bit rounder, but Daughter has the same cheeks and chin as her feminine forebears.  They came through in her!  They all had enormous soft deep dark brown eyes.  Mine are gray (if you love me, you will see some green there), and Daughter's change color with the weather and her mood, all the way from light brown to turquoise.  Daughter has my mother's mouth and her smile.  All three of them had the most amazing translucent butter-soft skin, it glowed in soft light.  Daughter and I seem to have lost that - but perhaps it's still lurking, waiting to pop out again in a future generation.

GreatGramma, Mary Elizabeth Twiss Evans, came from Wales.  She spoke Welsh.  She could speak and understand English, but refused to use English unless absolutely necessary.  She used to tell me bedtime stories in Welsh.  In Wales, she had been a wisewoman - you know, fairies, herbal remedies, mild spells, ancient knowledge.   A white witch.  I believe she was a founding member of the Puritan Church on Market Street in North Scranton, the one with the big round rose window in front.  The only thing I have that I know(believe) once belonged to her is the gold cross I gave Daughter on her 21st birthday. 

Gramma, Mary Elizabeth Evans Morris, aged rather quickly (although she lived semi-independently into her nineties), I guess because she was raising a young family during WWI and the Great Depression.   Grampa worked for the Lackawanna Railroad, so they were relatively secure, but with everyone else around them in imminent danger of ruin, including her sisters and brothers, she became pretty much the head of the family.   I didn't realize until she was gone, and I learned some of the family secrets, that she was a very intelligent and strong person.  Much more than I ever gave her credit for.

Gramma was also Puritan, but not especially religious.  She went to church every Sunday, but I think it was mostly social.  She was a member of the Eastern Star,  and active in the church auxiliary,  especially in the making of the Welsh cookies, the major money-maker every year.   She would not allow alcohol, tobacco, or playing cards in her house, but I suspect that had less to do with puritan tenets than with having seen bad results.  She took oaths seriously.  When I went off to college, she made me promise on the Bible never to gamble.  And I didn't, until I bought my first lottery ticket when I was 40.  Even then, I sat in the car and had a silent discussion about it with Gramma, first.

There are a few funny stories about Gramma and alcohol.  The big family gathering every year was Thanksgiving, and we always ended the meal with plum or mince pudding with hard sauce.  Grampa always made the hard sauce from his own secret recipe.  He'd shoo everyone else out of the kitchen and close the door when he was making it.   At some point, I realized that hard sauce is made with brandy.  I asked my mother if Gramma knew, and she laughed and said "Why do you think it's a secret?"  Gramma knew all right, but figured if she didn't acknowledge it and thereby approve it, then it was ok.

Mother, another Mary Elizabeth, was a butterfly.  She was a bottle of champagne.  She was also unusually intelligent, mainly a kind of social intelligence and skill, but she wasn't much of a fighter.  She was a lifelong member of the Puritan church, even paid her dues and tithed until the day of her death, but that's about as far as it went.  Sort of like insurance, I guess.    If we lived on a base where my father was the commander, as the commander's wife she was the social and moral leader, and we went to the weekly multi-denominational services on the base as a duty, but otherwise, religion was not a big deal with her.    

I was baptized Puritan, and still have a little bit of the prude about me, but religion-wise, I have gone my own way.  If you have to put a label on it, I'm Pagan.   Bit of GreatGramma coming through, I guess.  Daughter is even more so.

I've been asked why the photos I have included seem to be just me, and deceased people.  It's because the live people I'd most like to include mostly don't want their likeness broadcast all over the ether.  I understand and respect that.

#199 [P] Friday - For Mother's Day

(Half the time, one or the other of these pictures doesn't load.  If you get the raspberry X, try again.  And don't scroll while it's loading - AOL doesn't like interruptions.)

The top picture is my mother and me (I just remembered - that spot in her mouth is braces!   Like Daughter, her eye teeth were crowded out, and she took advantage of the military dental plan). The lower one is Gramma, me, GreatGramma, and Mom.

Both photos were taken on the same day - one in a studio, the other in the back yard.   My father was off fighting WWII at the time, and GreatGramma was widowed, so they were all living together, with Grampa and my mother's baby brother Raymond (who was probably somewhere between 8 and 12 years old then). 

Nobody's over 4'10" tall.  Gramma got a lot shorter over time, but GreatGramma was the tallest, and stayed that way.  She never lost any height with age.

Note - I'm really tiny inside all those clothes, but look how chubby my legs are!  See?  It's fate, not fat!

#198 Thursday - I'm here....

Talked to Daughter twice today.  So this entry is mainly just to keep the promise.

If I can get moving early enough tomorrow, I'm going to drive down to the Sharper Image store in Woodbury Mall (apparently the closest, according to their website), and raise some cain.

I bought three little battery-operated motion detecting lights from Sharper Image, through Amazon, for like 1/4 the list price during Amazon's Friday Specials sale.  I thought I'd put one in my bathroom, one in the cat's bathroom, and one in the livingroom. 

Step one of the instructions: "Using a screwdriver, remove the screws from the bottom, and insert three AA batteries."  There are four screws, Phillips head, and they are only slightly larger than the screws at the temple of my glasses.  This is not your standard household screwdriver size!  Luckily, Jay had a set of tiny screwdrivers.  The smallest one fit.  The screwdrivers are the type where there's a flat fixed part at the end that you seat in the palm, and then turn the shaft with the tips of your fingers.

I tried using the screwdrivers as designed, and the screws wouldn't turn!   I ended up bracing the light with the heel of my left hand, holding the screwdriver in place with my left fingers and pushing it into the screw with my chin (!), while with my right hand I turned the screwdriver with a wrench around the shaft.   It took me 45 minutes to get the first screw out!  There are 11 more to go.  The second screw's head started to strip, so I gave up.  (I figured if I could get four out, I'd leave the screws out and put the danged thing back together with duct tape....)

So I intend to go to the Sharper Image store tomorrow, plunk the fer'kaka things on the counter, and insist that THEY insert the batteries for me!  When they give up (I'll even provide the screwdriver and wrench), I want my money back.  I fully intend to make noise.  This is a really bad design !

Just out of curiosity - they detect motion (not heat) in a dark room, and turnthe light on.  Exactly how do they detect motion?  In the dark?  Without rapidly using up the batteries?  (Jay would know.)

#197 Wednesday - Grocery Store Orders

I love Dannon coffee yogurt.  The village grocery store doesn't stock enough, despite my having asked them to stock more.  Whenever I see it on the shelf, I clean them out.  Unfortunately, there must be several other people who do the same thing, because if I don't get there as soon as it's put out, sometimes I don't get any until the next week.  (Meanwhile, the lemon and vanilla sit there untouched!) 

Well, I complained about three weeks ago, and found out that I can place a standing order!  I didn't know that was a possibility. 

Now I'm getting a case every second Friday.  Cool, huh?

#196 Birthdates

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

Me: Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path.
Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate.
There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of the things that you do.

This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative.
You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends.
You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you are able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

_________________________________________

Daughter: Your birth on the 19th day of the month adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your life path.
But at the same time, it poses a number of obstacles to overcome before you are able to be as independent as you would like. The number 1 energy suggests more executive ability and leadership qualities than your path may have indicated.

A birthday on the 19th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach. However, a somewhat self-centered approach to life may be in conflict with some of the other influences in your life.
This 1 energy may diminish your ability and desire to handle details, preferring instead to paint with a broad brush.

You are sensitive, but your feelings stay somewhat repressed.
You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.
You do not tend to follow convention or take advice very well.

Consequently, you tend to learn through experience; sometimes hard experiences.
The 19/1 is a loner number and you may experience feelings of being alone even if you are married.
You may take on a tendency to be nervous and angry.

_____________________________________________

Jay:  With a birthday on the 5th of the month you are inclined  to work well with people and enjoy them.
You are talented and versatile, very good at presenting ideas.
You may have a tendency to get itchy feet at times and need change and travel.

You tend to be very progressive, imaginative and adaptable.
Your mind is quick, clever and analytical.
A restlessness in your nature may make you a bit impatient and easily bored with routine.
You may have a tendency to shirk responsibility.

___________________________________________

Ex#2: Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone.
You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent.
You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate.

You are introspective and a little stubborn.
Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family.
This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations.

The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you.
Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach.
You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions.
Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.

________________________________________

WOW !!!  How'd they do that!

#195 Monday - Passage of Time

I had to draw a mini-timeline for the previous entry, to get the years right.  It didn't look right, didn't feel right.  I'm amazed that I lived in Gettysburg only 2 years !!, from August 1965 to August 1967, because it feels like an enormous part of my life.  I interacted with so many people, had so many experiences, so much happened, so much that affected the rest of my life.  There were so many other lives I was involved with in one way or another.

Nowadays, there's not much change from one year to the next.  I have to count on my fingers.  The progress of my life feels so slow, and yet the time passes so quickly.  Two years of my younger life were filled like eight are now.  There was so much packed in there. 

The pace must have been head-spinning!

I wonder if this is true for everyone?

#194 Sunday. The Mistress Contract.

Back in Entry #169, I mentioned that I had once been offered a contract as a mistress, and promised to write about it.  Here goes.

I married Ex#1 in August 1965, about a week after my college graduation.  He was in the Army, stationed in Germany, and had returned for my graduation.  He decided we would get married while he was home on leave.  My mother wouldn't sign for us to get married (I was underaged) unless I promised not to return to Germany (and poverty, and babies) with him.  Actually, I had hoped she'd flatly refuse permission and get me out of it entirely, but she didn't.  I didn't want to marry him at all, but Ex#1 made threats, and I wasn't strong enough to withstand them.  I was pretty solidly beaten down by then.  At that time of my life, I'd go along with pretty much anything anyone else wanted to do because it was easier - and going my own way certainly hadn't worked for me.   I think my mother was worried about my going off alone so young (remember, this was the 60s) and thought marrying me off would keep me safe.  Or maybe that's too charitable.   

Anyway, after the mini-wedding, he went back to Germany, and in the fall of 1965 I started teaching high school math in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.  I acquired some single female friends - Jeannie and Ruby - and we used to go dancing every weekend at the 6-15 Club in York.  Ruby had a driver's license, but no car, and I had a car but only a learner's permit, so I would drive and Ruby would drink.  Worked out fine.

The "theme" for the place (if it had one at all) was the Roaring 20s, Speakeasy, so the band always played a Charleston at the beginning and end of every set.  Jeannie and Ruby and I had worked out a smokin' Charleston, and several times we were boosted up onto the stage, and delayed the band's break time  (until the owner said not to do that - insurance problems - we had to stay on the dance floor).  The three of us were pretty much the queens of the 6-15.  At closing time, almost everyone went to a particular all-night diner for breakfast, and we three were always cheered and applauded there when we walked in (we went all-out on the closing Charleston). 

Since I was the married one, I didn't dance with men.  If any asked me to dance (and a lot did - the 6-15 club had ultraviolet light only, and for some reason, my chestnut hair and unpolished fingernails glowed lavender white - I was gorgeous!) I'd tell them I wouldn't dance, but if they'd like to sit down, I'd talk with them for the duration of one dance.  

That's how I met Amadeo.

Amadeo was in his early 30s, an electrical engineer from Naples, Italy, had gone to graduate school at Yale, and then stayed.  He wasn't tall (but was taller than I), but was dark and handsome, very intelligent and cultured, knew his way around a wine list, spoke English, Italian, French, and Spanish fluently, and German and Portugese well enough to get around.  He found me very different from most American girls, and a mutual fascination developed. 

Through the spring of 1966, Amadeo and I talked often at the 6-15, and at breakfast after.  That summer, we visited Hanover Farms, home of the famous harness racers.  He knew one of the trainers, so we got a private tour.  Romantic "dating" was not an option, but it seemed like innocent daytime field trips were ok.  I also accompanied him to a few business functions where he needed a "date" to round out the table.  I fell madly in fascination.  I wished things were different.  I wanted my own life back!  There are fascinating things out there, and I wanted them!  Eventually I had to stop seeing him, because I knew it wasn't going anywhere good.  He accepted that.

And then, Ex#1 returned.  Actually, he had been transferred from Germany to Seattle about six months before, but apparently had been enjoying single life himself, and hadn't even suggested that I join him there.  When he got out of the Army late in the summer of 1967, I told him I wanted out.  He didn't.  I didn't have the strength to leave.  I wanted him to leave me.  He wouldn't.

We movedto Lansdale, Pennsylvania, in late August 1967, and  I started teaching there. That's  a whole story in itself, but anyway, in like January 1968, one of the other teachers showed me an ad in the paper - The Company was testing applicants for programming school.  He suggested that I would be good at that, so I went to Philadelphia and took the test - just for fun, with no thought that I would actually be able to take a job if offered anyway.  As it happened, I scored higher on the test than any other applicant in history.  The Company went after me BIG TIME!  They even offered me the services of the corporate lawyers if I had legal issues keeping me in Pennsylvania.  That gave me the courage I needed, and I finally left.

So, summer of 1968, I am in the Mid-Hudson valley, working for The Company, and who do I get a call from? 

After Amadeo and I had broken off contact, he had transferred to New Haven, Connecticut.  Unbeknownst to me, he had kept track of me through my Gettysburg friend, Jeannie.  Jeannie told him I had left Ex#1, and gave him my address and phone number. He immediately drove to within a few miles of my home, and called for directions to the house.   I met him at a restaurant in town.

The next weekend, there was some big deal in New Haven (Yale Homecoming football game?) and he invited me for the weekend.  He got a room in a hotel for me, and when I checked in, I told the desk that they were not to give out my room number to anyone.  When he arrived to pick me up for dinner, I met him in the lobby, and he was steamed because the clerks wouldn't give him my room number.  He got really pissed when later that evening, I wouldn't let him come up with me.  He had no intention of continuing the relationship on the same basis as before.  He wanted more.

I wanted to move slowly.  That's just the way I am.  But then I remembered Byron, in college.  I really liked him, too, but he wandered away because I wouldn't "produce".  He never once so much as got a button undone on me, but he absolutely destroyed my reputation (and my mind, what little sanity I had left...) on the way out.  I was afraid of losing Amadeo for the samereason.  What good is being a "good girl" if you can't keep a man.  There's something wrong there. 

Sooooo .... pretty soon things got pretty hot and heavy. 

And then one day he said he wanted to keep me with him forever.  But, as I was a divorcee, he couldn't marry me.  He explained how things work in his world.  I don't know how much this applies to Italy in general, but it's how things worked in his social/cultural set.  Or at least that's what he told me. 

He came to the US first and worked to bring his parents over.  Then his father worked to bring his mistress.  (Then the rest of his children.) The mistress has an apartment a few miles from his parents'home in New Haven.  Yes, his mother knows about her.  No problem.  It's accepted.

When a young man marries, he finds a woman who fits into his family, who gets along well with and is approved by his mother, sisters, other female relatives.  Virtue, suitability, and social standing are foremost.  Love and compatibility are optional.  Then, after a proper number of children, he finds a mistress.  The mistress is chosen based on love and compatibility.  She is chosen even more carefully than the wife, because although the wife comes first, the mistress is every bit as secure as the wife, because she has a contract.  It's definitely not a temporary appointment.

The contract outlines the duties and responsibilities of the man and the mistress. 

She is to be available to him whenever he needs her.  She will be a hostess when he entertains.  She is free to have an outside job, but it's better if she is self-employed, if at all, so that she can adjust her worktime and vacations to fit his needs.  It is of course assumed that she will always strive to be comforting and supportive.

He will provide her with suitable accomodations, and will pay for all the utilities and necessities and so on, plus a stipend for her personal purchases.  He will also be available to her on demand, with the understanding that the legal family has priority.  If he should die, she will be taken care of.

If there are children, they will be provided for through college.

In the United States, the contracts must be cleverly written to be legally enforced, but this is not a big concern because the rest of the man's family will ensure that the contracts are honored, as a matter of Family Honor, so not to worry.   The only way out of the contract for either party is death or mutual agreement.   

He said the wife doesn't mind, because she knows that's how it is, and her social and financial position are not threatened.  She knows she will take priority.  Plus, the mistress "takes the pressure off" so to speak.  Most wives of his class appreciate the release.  

He said he is breaking tradition by having found the mistress first.  His parents won't be happy - they have been putting pressure on him to marry - but he is sure they'll give in and accept it, especially since, once he's sure I'm in his corner, he would be more willing to marry anyone they chose.   He was so happy, so excited.

I stopped answering the phone, returned his letters unopened, and cried for months.