I think maybe Jay told me a flat-out bald-faced lie! Maybe.
Back in the 80s, when we were just friends, I noticed that occasionally he would give a technically true answer to a badly phrased question, in such a way that everything he said was the exact truth, but that somehow managed to leave you with an impression that was not strictly true. He would then allow you to believe the untruth, would not correct you even when you made statements or decisions based on the untruth. (If you asked the question correctly, you'd get the whole truth, so I don't think he saw it as lying.) After I got to know him better, I could tell when he was doing it. He'd get an odd look on his face - sort of like one raised eyebrow "well, come on..." but not quite. Maybe he saw it as a game.
Once we became intimate, I told him that if I asked him about something, and he knew that the impression I got from his answer was untrue, and he didn't correct it, then I'd consider it the same as telling me a lie. It's a "lie by omission", and I wouldn't like it. So he stopped doing it altogether, as far as I know. He did ask me to be sensitive as to what I asked him. Not "don't ask if you won't like the answer", it was more like "be gentle, don't make it hard for me to tell the whole truth".
One thing that I used to tease him about was his rabid Republicanism. As far as he was concerned, no Republican could do any wrong, and no Democrat could do any right. Ever. I teased him because it didn't fit with his otherwise open and questing mind. It seemed to be such a block, like he was born with it, like in that area of his mind there was a knot he couldn't untie.
I consider myself middle of the road. I disliked Kennedy. I liked Dole. I liked Clinton. I despise Rush Limbaugh. I am registered Independent. My votes are all over the board. From all his other characteristics, I would have expected Jay to be similar. Last election I voted for Nader (but only because in this state, it wouldn't have made a difference, and it was a chance to make a statement). Jay said he voted for Nader too (I didn't ask).
Just before the 1996 elections, I was complaining that I couldn't vote in the local primaries, and I asked him if he was going to. He said he couldn't, because he'd registered Independent, too. I couldn't believe it. "You're not registered Republican?" "No." "Were you ever registered Republican?" "Nope." "I can't believe it! Really? Why?" "Don't want to be on anybody's list."
So, imagine my shock last Wednesday when I opened an envelope addressed to Jay, and found a letter from the Republican National Committee asking why they hadn't heard from him in so long ... still be a member ... count on your support ... usual donation ... etc.
Did Jay lie to me?
Maybe he was REGISTERED Independent, but was a MEMBER of the Republican Party? He knew that disconnect never would have occurred to me. They're both the same to me until I think about it. He knew darn well what I was really asking! Was this a "lie of omission"?
This may explain why Jay would get all kinds of political reminders in the mail for local elections and so on, that I never got. "How come they remind you but not me? Doesn't anybody want me to vote?" "Dunno. Maybe because the house is in my name." The only way I can reconcile this with the Jay who was otherwise so open and honest and trusting with me is that all of his political thinking and reactions were so foreign to the rest of his mind, like it was split off from the main Jay, a bit of not-Jay coexisting with him. Perhaps it was not-Jay who lied to me (allowed me to believe an untruth).
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Please note that I am not disappointed that he may have been a member of the Republican party. Heck - I thought he was (as much as I thought about it at all) when I married him. (At least he had perfect aim in the bathroom....) I am disappointed because he may not have been honest about it.
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