Monday, January 31, 2005

#129 Transmission

Well, it looks like I'll be missing dance class tonight for the third week in a row.  The brownish-pink drops in the snow under the van is probably transmission fluid.  It feels oily, so it's probably not coolant.  I called Mr. T, my mechanic, and I have an appointment Wednesday morning to get it checked.  In the meantime, it's "drive at your own risk". 

There's a Rent-a-Wreck right next door to Mr. T's shop, so if the van is really sick, I'll rent a wreck on Wednesday.  In the meantime, I'll hibernate some more.  I'm getting good at that.

~~Silk

Friday, January 28, 2005

#128 Maroon Moron?

In other blogs and journals, when someone wants to call someone else an idiot, they call them a "maroon".  I thought it was a misspelling of "moron".  But on That 70s Show this evening, Kelso referred to Eric as "a bit of a maroon".    Now I'm confused. 

#127 She Died of Smoking

Heard "She died of smoking at 31" on TV again this morning.  That bugs me. 

She died of lung disease, but how can they know that smoking caused it?  If she didn't smoke, then they blame it on secondhand smoke.  The antismoking folks act like all the other pollution, the plastic gases and hydrocarbons in the air, the metals that we breathe in our shower steam, has nothing whatsoever to do with it.  (No one knew where Jay's brain cancer came from - he blamed it on a random cosmic particle.  That happens to lungs too, and will increase as we destroy our atmospheric protections.)  In some ideal future, when everyone has quit smoking, what will "they" blame lung problems on then?  There may be less, because smoking is a major stressor, but it's not going to go away.  And if we don't pay attention to the other causes, lung disease will increase.

"They" are missing the big picture.  They are concentrating on one factor, while the other factors are getting worse.  They are blaming that one factor more than it deserves.   They want to blame all of it on that one factor.  So, she died of lung disease, but how can they state unequivocally  that smoking, alone, caused it?  

She died of an inability to clear all the damage done to her lungs, including but not limited to, cigarette smoke. 

In the '70s and before, almost everyone smoked, everywhere.  There were ashtrays in the arms of movie theater seats, next to hospital beds, built into the desks in college classrooms, on buses.  Even nonsmoking households had ashtrays for guests.  My very strict and puritan grandmother, who didn't allow alcohol or so much as a deck of playing cards in her home, allowed guests, including her son (but not her daughter, my mother), to smoke in her home.  So up to and through the '70s, everyone (that's everyone over 30 now) was exposed to, at the least, dense secondhand smoke - and we're talking cigars and unfiltered Camels, too.  The super-tarry leaves of Marlboros.

Some people smoke.  Some don't.  Some smokers get lung cancer or emphysema.  Most don't.  Some nonsmokers get lung cancer or emphysema.  Most don't.  The relationship between smoking and lung disease is not casual, but I am thoroughly tired of people who blame all of it on smoking.

(Note that as exposure to cigarette smoke has dropped, childhood asthma has increased drastically.  Are these kids smoking in secret?  I would like "them" to explain that.)

Thursday, January 27, 2005

#126 I Am a Very Good Girl

More snowthrower fun today, cleared the 6 inches of the "dusting to 2 inches" we got yesterday.  I did the whole drive this time. 

The air seemed still when I went out, so I wore just earmuffs and my coat's hood, but at the bottom half of the drive, no matter which way I aimed the chute, the snow all blew back into my face.  Usually, if I'm expecting that, I wear either a baseball cap or the canvas and fur "mountain man" hat, something with a bill I can pull low and then tuck my head to protect my glasses.   So it was occasionally mildly annoying.

I got a surprise when I came back into the house.  My earmuffs were frozen to my hair! 

==================================

The van has left a small stain in the snow it was sitting on.  What is brownish pink, and might dribble from the front driver's side of the engine compartment?   And why might it dribble?  Should I worry?   

#125 I Can Verb Anything!

An old saying in the Company was "Any word can be verbed". 

A woman on TV yesterday, speaking of her recently deceased aunt, "She's being funeralized tomorrow."

If you have a memorial service, then she is memorialized, so if you have a funeral service, she's funeralized?

ICK!

===========================

On another topic, Daughter's Uncle Barry didn't have a heart attack.  Something about straining the muscles from his recent surgery.  So, he's home, but no more shoveling snow.  The card I'm sending says hope you're feeling better soon etc, to which I have added "Stop scaring people, d##n it!"

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

#124 I Am a Good Girl

I just finished running the snowthrower in the driveway.  It was a bigger job than I had expected.  What I thought was 6-8 inches was actually 12 inches.  And when I had looked out the door and had seen The Hunk's truck with its rear against the far garage door (the van being parked in front of the near door) I thought that meant that he had plowed out on the far side of the van.  He didn't.  He had just backed over the snow and pushed what was in front of him.  So there was about four times what I thought I had to do.

 There was frozen slush left from the earlier storm still there under the fresh fluff, because the sun never reaches that spot.

For some reason, it was very hard to shift gears on the snowthrower, and I couldn't get it into reverse at all, so every time I wanted to back up, I had to put it into neutral and drag it.  In several places, I had to drag it (lift it!) UP a sharp six inch dropoff at the edges of the frozen slush.  And since Jay had chosen this monster, it's not a lightweight.

But, I always forget how satisfying it is.  I moan and groan, and keep putting it off, I hate the thought of it, and I finally drag myself out to do it, and every time, no matter what happens, I actually, for some perverse reason, enjoy it thoroughly!  Even if the snow blows in my face, and my fingers feel like they're going to drop off.   It's not just the final satisfaction of a good job well done, I enjoy the doing of it.  When I have to walk down to the mailbox to get the mail, I dislike the climb back up the hill, and I huff and puff at the top.  And yet when I clear the entire drive myself, I make a minimum of ten trips up and down in the space of an hour or so, some of them pretty fast, and I'm having so much fun I don't even notice!

Odd.  I never remember how much I enjoy it.  Next time I groan about having to clear the drive, remind me.

==============================

What's with this new (and expensive) product, fruit-flavored water?  Didn't we usta call that Kool-Aid?

#123 Congo

Refer back to http://journals.aol.com/jaykolb/Moraine/entries/983, my entry on why some crises get an outpouring of help and others are ignored. 

The Oprah show yesterday had a segment on the plight of women in the Congo. 

Over 4,000,000 people have been killed in the Congo over the past 6 years.  (Compare that to the tsunami count, even per year.)  There are marauding armies in the forest, who swoop down on the villages at night.  They kill or maim any men who resist, gang rape all the females, woman and child alike, in front of their families, take crops, animals, and anything else they can eat or sell, and drag the young women off into the forest to be kept as sex slaves, until either they die, become pregnant, or escape.  And this happens over and over and over.  The villagers have nowhere safe to go. 

The marauders are believed to be the remnants of fighters from the Rwandan civil war between the Hutus and the Tutsis.   You know - the war in the mid-90's, where very small boys were conscripted and turned into killers, where noncombatants had their hands or feet chopped off?  These are those boys all grown up.   They know no other way to live.  I don't know whether there's an actual goal in mind, like a civil war, or if they are simply gangs, but they have killed 4,000,000 people since 1998, and there is no end in sight.

Asked why America and Europe are ignoring the situation, Oprah's experts said that it was central Africa, and there is a perception that the people there are savages, and they are just killing each other.  The guns being used are purchased from manufacturers in the US and Europe, who are not inclined to ban the sales - the least they could do.

Oprah asked what individuals could do, and a woman from an aid group in the area said that the women need only (something like) 85 cents a day to feed their families and send their children to school (school is not free there).  So if everyone sent only $20 a month, they could help a family.

I was left thinking, "How can that help?  If conditions are really as bad as you say, then if they can buy clothing and food and send their children to school, wouldn't that just make them more attractive to the gangs?"  It seems like the most useful thing would be to set up safe areas, and get rid of the gangs.  Then that $20 can help the people to recover.  

I'm not going to send a cent that's just going to end up supporting a murdering rapist.

#122 How to do Nothing

Asleep at 10 last night, up at 5:30 this morning. 

I wish I could say I had as much success with the to do list yesterday.  I got absolutely nothing done.  That's seems to be usual lately.  I have a lot of situations where A desperately needs doing, but I can't do A until I do B.  But I can't do B until I do C.  And I can't do C until I do D.  And D can't be done until I do A first.  I get awfully frustrated and end up thrashing. 

So yesterday afternoon, while sorting frustratedly through heaps of paper, I found a booklet of house floorplans I'd bought a few weeks ago.  I love looking at floorplans.  In my imagination, I can walk around in the houses.  I furnish them.  I salivate.  In my previous life I must have been a real estate agent. 

Anyway, I took the book into the bedroom to wander through some houses and decompress a little, and suddenly it was 5 pm.  I don't know what happened.  I swear I blinked only twice!  If I wanted to go to dance class, I had one hour to shower, wash and dry my hair, dress, shovel 60 cubic feet of snow from in front of the van, clear off the windshield, etc.  I couldn't decide whether to shower first, or shovel first.  Besides, it was getting dark fast, which would not make shoveling pleasant. 

I gave up.

====================================

I saw something unbelievable on TV a few days ago.  A new "hot" product -  "IPOD SOCKS".  You slip the device into this little knit tube to protect it.  They are "selling like hotcakes", at $29 each.  Here's the unbelievable part - they look exactly like someone had cut the tops off plain athletic socks, and sewed the cut end closed.  Nothing more.  For this they get $29!   I'm still reeling.

Post script - I found a picture of one.  That's it at the top.  There are more than 100 for sale now on eBay, "Buy-It-Now" prices range from $1.99 to $10.00 (BIN prices on eBay are always less than on the street).

Monday, January 24, 2005

#121 To Do; Crying Time

Things to do today and/or tomorrow and/or PDQ:  clear the snow around the van so I can get it out; wash hair; deposit checks; get money; pick up packages from post office; go to dance class; fix printer; change kitty litter; buy card for Daughter's Uncle Barry (in cardiac ICU, heart attack shoveling snow yesterday); write letter to Getty; wash dishes; make appointment for taxes; pull tax info together; pay bills.

Barry was married to Daughter's father's sister.  They've been divorced for probably 20 years now, ever since shortly after he broke his back in a motorcycle accident, but he's still close to the family.  He's been a good father to Daughter's cousin. 

When the sister announced, way back when, that she was going to marry him, the family freaked.  For some reason, they despised him.  (Sorta like the mother despised me when I was to marry her son.) 

I always liked him.  He has soft eyes, and something gentle around his cheeks and mouth, and he always listens carefully, and you don't get knee-jerk reactions from him.  As he grayed, he got a distinguished look, to which the limp only contributed.  He never remarried.

He's already had bypass surgery, so this episode does not bode well.  I hope he comes out of it ok.

 I've got to fix the printer soon because I have to write my first formal letter in several years, to Getty.  The old printer died over 18 months ago.  I bought a new one, but it doesn't work.  The PC does recognize it, and the printer "burps" when I IPL the PC, so they are communicating back and forth, but files just don't seem to get to the printer.  The message says it's offline.

So I haven't had a printer.  You'd be surprised how much paper I've saved!  I make longhand notes of just the info I need instead of printing off whole screens/pages, and that has been working fine.

But now I need to write a letter to Getty to help out "Tall Dark and Handsome" at the Getty station in the village.  There's a low spot in the Getty lot, right at the end of the sidewalk near the post office, and in the middle of the low area there's a deep pothole.  When it rains, the low area fills with water (nowhere for it to drain), and you can't see the pothole. 

So a few days ago I stepped off the sidewalk into the puddle, right into the pothole.  My boot filled with water, and I almost tripped.  When I went into the building I scolded TD&H, and he expressed frustration, that he had called Getty to ask that it be fixed many times since summer, and they keep putting him off.  He gave me the phone number and asked me to call, and to tell them that I had sprained my ankle - "be angry and make it scary".

I pointed out to him that it's not just ankles at risk - if the puddle freezes, then it could cause an accident if a car entering or leaving the lot loses traction.  They need to fill in the whole low area.

Well, I am aware that a phone call is not formal notification.  If they receive a letter, however, and do not take action, and someone is injured, then that's legal negligence!   I'll write the letter, and give TD&H a copy. 

==================================

I've had something strange going on emotionally for the past six or seven weeks.  I'd burst into tears at the least provocation.  Not like just out of the blue - there'd be something particular that got me started. 

There was a photo on AOL and Yahoo News that made me cry every time I saw it - the one of the small child accepting a package from a care worker, with the head down, but the eyes looking up.  I didn't even have to see it, just think of it. 

There was a commercial for tapes of the old Hee-Haw show, and they showed Dolly Parton singing that song with the line "And I yi-yi yi-yi will always love you oo-oo oo-oo", and I'd burst into tears, stuffy nose, the whole bit, every time I heard it, or even thought about it.

Tyne Daly's character on Judging Amy had a heart attack, and I cried.  I never do that.  It's a character, for Pete's sake!

Somebody mentioned whippets, and I remembered the time Jay and I were visiting my baby sister in Florida, and he and I went to a park by a lake, and there was a little stray whippet there.  It was so pretty and friendly (and hungry), and it so obviously wanted to go home with us.  Jay wanted to take her, but we were flying back to NY the next day, so there was no way we could get her on the plane with us in so short a time.  We discussed several options, but none of them were workable.  In the end, we drove away, and the sad little doggie standing in the road in the rearview mirror broke our hearts.    Every time I think about how that doggie looked, I cry.

There are  tears running down my cheeks right now.  I thought it was over and I could write about it, but not yet, I guess.

It isn't depression.  It doesn't happen spontaneously, without a trigger.  I'm still enjoying things I enjoy, and looking forward to things.  The things that get me started don't have anything in common.  I don't "sob", it's just quiet tears.  I don't know what's going on.  It's funny - I'm not sad when I start crying - it's like it's an independent thing - but the crying then makes me sad.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

#120 Snow! and Sleep!

I actually got to sleep last night before 11 pm!  I woke up at 5:30 am, but hey, that's progress. 

When the sun came up, I checked the snow.  It looks like The Hairless Hunk (my groundskeeper) did plow at some time during the night, because there are ridges on either side of the drive, but there seems to be about 6-8 inches of snow on the drive now.  Which is odd, because there's also 6-8 inches on the bits that I know he couldn't have plowed.  There are several feet on the deck.  I have no way of knowing how much we actually got, because it's very windy, and the snow is drifting.  TV out of Albany says 26 inches at Hudson....

I suspect that's a high drift on the deck and a low (blown away) drift on the drive. There's probably no point in The Hunk coming back to finish until the wind dies down.

I'm glad I decided not to use the snowthrower and do it myself.  There's nothing worse than throwing the snow into the air, and having it blow back into your face.

I wonder if I still have a mailbox.

================================

I did go out yesterday morning to stock the pantry, and I was pleasantly surprised.  I've been hiding in the house since the temperatures dropped into the teens.  I'd see people outside on TV wrapped in wool and still obviously shivering, and I'd think "No way!".  But I was out of gasoline, money, meat, milk, yogurt, and kitty litter, and would be out of Prilosec and cigarettes today, so I had no choice.

I had to fight my way through a huge flock of wild turkeys mid-driveway!  There were at least 24 of them, and they were digging all around the oak and the cherry tree, after acorns and dried fallen cherries.   The storm was due to start within the hour, and they were determined to get all the acorns they could beforehand, so they refused to move.  I had to practically nudge them out of the way. 

I was wearing: Snow boots, knee-high (thin) trouser stockings, knit pants, underwear, v-neck sweater, the black velvety hip-length jacket, and I had draped a red silk scarf over my head, around my neck,and over the shoulders, then topped that with a red felt hat with fluffy feather trim around the brim.  I kept forgetting to take my gloves out of the pockets.  (The headgear was mainly because I haven't washed my hair in a week, and I wanted to cover it completely.  I was surprised to find that the arrangement actually looked quite nice.)

I was surprised that I wasn't cold at all!  In fact, I unzipped the jacket because I was too warm.  The temperature, according to the van thermometer, was 3 degrees.

I don't understand.

================================ 

Interesting fact gleaned from Sunday Morning:  A nanometer is the length that your fingernail grows in one second.  Repeat, one second.

=================================

Oops!  The wind has suddenly stopped, and I hear The Hunk out there plowing now! 

Saturday, January 22, 2005

#119 Snow Update and Gifts

When I talked to Daughter last night, the prediction was 5 to 8 inches of snow tonight.  It's now 18 to 25 inches.  Which, given past experiences, means 30.

I have to go out and restock the refrigerator this morning, so I'll stop by my snow plow guy's house (I just got the bill for the autumn's last lawn mowing, 2 mowings, $90, so I need to pay that) and put him on alert.

TV also said possibility of power failures, so that got me thinking about moving some firewood onto the porch, just in case, and filling the oil lamps.  That reminded me that the little glass oil candles actually give better light than the oil lamps.  Weird, but true.

That made warm feelings for Jay.  The first glass oil candle was a gift from Jay before we were married.

That reminded me of something that was on TV a few days ago, about how some men are abysmal gift-givers, and some of the awful gifts received.

Ex#1 never gave me a single gift, ever.  When we got engaged, the ring got lost in the mail (really, they located it in the Shamokin PO months later), so even that one gift was late, and I returned it when I left three years later.

The first Christmas after ex #2 and I were married, he presented me the week before Christmas with a long narrow box that had a metallic rattle.  I had earlier admired a long narrow wall-hung grandmother clock, so I excitedly asked if that's what it was.  He just smiled.  I was very excited.  We were spending the holidays at his parents' farmhouse in New Jersey, so he said we should take it with us and I should open it there. 

Christmas Eve (they open gifts Christmas Eve, yuck) I excitedly tore the paper open, and found an electric space heater.

"Our" room at his parents' house was in the attic, and was very cold.  The heater was so that I wouldn't be cold when we visited his parents.   And, I was to leave the heater there so that other visitors could use it, and it would be there next time we came.

He couldn't understand why I was not estatic.

When we went to NJ for the next Easter, the heater was gone.  His mother had given it to someone "who needed it more.  We never use those attic rooms....".

Over the next 13 years, for Christmases, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. -  I got from him a plastic spatula, one skein of red polyester yarn, a jar of banana flavored peanut butter, a plain screwdriver,  stuff he picked up at the hardware or grocery store on his way home from work that day.  Not wrapped.  He'd walk in the door, hand me a spatula, and say "Happy Birthday." 

The man had no imagination, no romance, and never ever ever picked up on hints, even "This necklace right here is exactly what I want for Christmas.  You can pick it up next Tuesday." 

Instead, Christmas day, he'd go out to the car and bring in the (unwrapped) box of Keebler cookies he'd picked up the day before.

Jay was so different from what I was used to.  His first gift to me was a cd player, back when they were new (and expensive).  He knew I loved music, and knew that I was resisting the new technology, because I wasn't going to be able to get my favorite old lp albums on cd.  (As usual, I was hoping that if I ignored it hard enough, it would go away.)  He secretly made a list of my favorite lps, and along with the cd player came several of my favorite classical albums, on cd.  I know he hated shopping, but he had to have shopped hard for those particular titles (no internet back then).

(I have occasionally wondered if Daughter influenced that gift....  Not that it mattered - if she did, it was still sweet of him to consult her.)

His second gift was the crystal teardrop oil candle. 

When we went to France, several months after we returned, for my birthday, he presented me with a gold necklace I had admired in Paris.  He had smuggled it home in his camera case.   

For the next few years, I had to be careful when we were out together, because if I said "Oh, isn't that pretty" about anything, I was likely to see it again a few months later.  If I slipped, I'd have to grap his lapel, look him in the eye, and recover with "but I don't need it!  Ok?"

I don't know if it was a personality thing with ex#1 and ex#2.  I don't know if they'd be any different with another woman.  I do know there was a definite difference in our relationship. 

With ex#! I was an afterthought, something he had bought and put in storage, and he'd get around to using it/me sometime.  Mostly I didn't exist.

Ex#2 had serious emotional difficulties.  He would not confront problems, would not deal with issues.  He was afraid of my emotions, so he ignored them.  Thinking of a gift spun him into a tither, so he just didn't do it.

With Jay, my happiness was important to him, and it made him happy to make me happy.  It even made him happy to think about making me happy.

The last few years, I may have taken some of that away from him.  Sorry, Sweetheart.  We were refurnishing the house and changing our lifestyle (things we had always wished we had done or had, we decided to do and have) so when I found something expensive that we didn't really need, I'd say, well, let's get it, and we can call it my birthday present. 

That's how we got the Victorian settee in the bedroom.  I made it a point to admire it occasionally, and tell him "I'm so glad we got that.  I really love the lines of it. (Kiss)."   But he didn't have the fun of shopping for it for me.  Poor BabyBoy.

Friday, January 21, 2005

#118 More Viagra

Found on a Mensa website:  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.  This means that in a few decades there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

#117 A Most Outrageous Coincidence!

I added a postscript to topic #1 in the previous entry, concerning noses.  If you didn't catch that, go look.  And then, after my postscript, I went to check my email, and found an alert for this journal: http://journals.aol.com/screaminremo303/ThePenisPages/entries/517

I cracked up. 

A few entries ago I complained that my nose was bigger, spreading, and starting to droop.  Aggaaah!   It's true!!!!

#116 I Let My Hair Down

In most of these entries I do a lot of complaining, and I often sound like an old-fashioned librarian with my bun twisted too tight. Can't do much about the complaining - I think that's a function of age, like I've waited all my life for people to smarten up, and instead they seem to be getting more stupid, and I don't have that much more time to wait.

 But I might shake my hair loose this evening.

Under-18s should stop reading now.  And if YOUR bun is twisted tight, you should go away for a while, too.  You've been warned.

Topic 1: On a recent episode of Boston Legal, the acerbic character played by Candace Bergen barged into the men's lavatory, catching Alan Shore at the urinal. It was their first meeting, and within seconds they were trading insults. Naturally, this being Alan Shore, it got sexual right quick. He ended up with a comment that if he were looking for a woman, he'd choose something younger. Stung, she replied that if she were looking for a man, judging by what she had glimpsed in the mirror, she'd choose something larger. Alan was startled into silence. I think the point was that he may finally have met his match.

I thought "Oh, Candace! I thought you'd been around enough to know better! How could you allow the writers to make you say that!"

I don't really know about Ms. Bergen, but this little bun has been around enough to know that size in the relaxed state bears little relation to size in the rampant state. In fact, assuming that it's adequate when rampant, it's better to be small when relaxed. The greater the difference between min and max (in both dimensions), the harder it gets! Like it's more fully packed. In my experience, the corollary is true, too. The smaller the difference, the less hard it gets. Like it's not really trying. Resting on its laurels. Lazy thing!

PS - Later note - if you ever walk into the men's room and find someone at the urinals, don't bother looking down.  Look at his nose.  It'll tell you all you need to know.  This is not hearsay or mere theory.  I've thoroughly tested it.   There IS a direct relationship in all aspects!

Topic 2: What the heck does "hook up" mean now? I'm confused. A few years ago, at its origin, it was clear that it meant pretty much the same as "sleep with", but with a more base and casual connotation. One-night stand sort of thing.  You'd "hook up" with someone you met at a bar.  Sort of like snagging a fish.  "Hooking up" spawned (for me, anyway) an unpleasant mental picture - like train cars connecting.

But it seems to have changed. "Hooking up" now seems to be more like "going steady", more a sense that the two have been circling each other for some time, and have finally got together. Connotation seems to be spending intimate time together. Mental image, holding hands.

But on a talk show yesterday, a woman said that she and her boyfriend see each other on weekdays, but on the weekends he likes to "hook up" with his male buddies. So now it means simply "meet up with"? Socialize?

If it has no set meaning, it can be a dangerous word to use.

Topic 3: "Viagra for Women"? Bah! That stuff they’ve got in the pipeline now is not really for women at all (although they say it’s only for women with hormone imbalances). All it does is raise the libido. It’s really for men to talk their women into. It’s just going to give all those randy old men on Viagra something else to pester their women about. "Why don’t you try it? Huh? Huh? Come on, give it a try."

Randy old men? Pooh! It’s worse than that. Just about every wife and girlfriend in the world will be under pressure to use it. Every healthy heterosexual man wants nothing more than a lascivious woman at home, and in the same way that men who don’t need V will try it anyway because they think it will make things better, many will push their women onto this new junk because, after all, there can’t ever be too much of a good thing.  (I think it's testosterone.  With any luck, if you use it when you still have ovaries, it'll grow you a beard!)  I’ll bet the brains who came up with this one were all male.

Men and women are different. Desire, capability, and satisfaction are three different things for women, but pretty much the same thing for men.

Generally, otherwise healthy men almost never lose their desire, even long after the capability is gone, and as long as they have the capability, their satisfaction level stays high. Their graph for desire is a straight line, and satisfaction tracks capability. Viagra raises the capability, and the rest just follows. All straight line, all high. (If you remove all legal and social restrictions, every man, on a deep pineal level, wants to sire as many children as possible with as many women as possible. If he could assemble a herd, uh, a harem, if he were allowed to, he would.)

Luckily (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), women are in charge of breeding. Therefore, a woman’s desire naturally fluctuates. In the first flush of new love, the lacy pink "I want to have his baby!" phase, desire is sky high. It’s a hormonal thing. Nature likes babies. How long this phase lasts varies. In the natural course of things, it eventually wanes. Passion gives way to duty, with occasional flashes of passion. And the more work a woman has, the more tired she is, the more stress she feels, thelower desire dips. That’s hormonal, too.  Nature planned it that way, for good reason - a tired stressed woman is not a good candidate for motherhood.

Lucky is the man whose woman falls newly in love with him over and over. (Lucky is the woman whose man courts her over and over.) This is the aspect that the new drug addresses. Men will think that women can be manipulated into a constant "new love" state. The guy won't even have to work to win her. No fair!

If a man’s capability goes, it’s because there’s a medical problem. It’s abnormal. A woman’s capability is absolutely guaranteed to lessen at the top of her prime. Even if childbearing hasn’t damaged anything, menopause eventually will. The blood won’t rush south any more. No more pouting. The tissues thin and dry out. "Reactions" are slower, if they remain at all. Things get a lot more difficult.  [FLASH!  Update 10/26/05 - Doesn't seem to have happened yet!  Either I'm lucky or he's really good.  Or both.] Hormone replacement therapy was supposed to "fix" this, but that got blown out of the water. The new drug isn’t going to fix, doesn’t even consider, capability, even for its intended target, women with no or non-functioning ovaries.   There’s this male myth that a woman is always capable, since all she has to do is receive. Heightened desire with lowered capability (equals lowered satisfaction) is out of balance, and will probably result in heightened frustration for women weak enough to be talked into the new stuff.

The third aspect is satisfaction. This is the drug women really want!  Men know when they get to the top of the mountain, and know exactly what it looks and feels like (being careful of AOL keyword checks here...), and they get there fairly consistently, but there are a lot of women, perhaps even most, who don’t know. They think they do, but they don’t, because they’ve never been there. Researchers ask "Do you?", and they answer "Yes", but nobody defined what IT is. They went somewhere, it wasn’t just a stroll along the river, so they suppose they must have been there.

When women climb the mountain, they go from ledge to ledge. If the highest ledge they ever get to is the one with the warm loving breezes, they figure there must be more, but what the heck, this is nice enough. If the highest they ever get to is the ledge with the rippling silk and fluttering butterflies, they think that’s it, and if they get there consistently, they are satisfied. If they get to the one where they clench the rocks to hold on as the earth shakes, they think that’s it, and if they get there consistently, they are very satisfied. If they get to the one that Asians describe as "the little death", where the world disappears, there is nothing anywhere, and everything goes black like you've fainted except for the hot red glow growing in the south, and then the lightening hits the ground and opens a spring that gushes pure clear sweet water, they hope that’s it, because anything more is too scary to contemplate, and if they can get there whenever they want, they are very very satisfied. (If there IS a higher ledge, I don’t even want to know about it!)

The satisfied women are those who go to the same place, no matter how high it is, every time they want to. Having never been higher, they don’t know enough to be dissatisfied (and are answering "Yes" to researchers even though most of them should still be answering "No", but they don't know that). The very unhappy women, the majorly frustrated women, and there are a lot of them, are those who have been a ledge or two higher than usual only once or twice or so, they’ve seen what’s there, they know what's possible, but they can’t get back, no matter what. It remains tantalizingly out of reach.     Brutal!    Give us a Big V for that, you clods! Then desire will spike on its own! This new stuff you want to push on us will just frustrate us more. You want us available, amenable, and lascivious. We want satisfaction!   An end to frustration!  Address that!

                             +++++++++++++++++++

I believe the drug is a testosterone preparation, probably a patch.  I believe that the way things normally work is that the ovaries secrete testosterone (testes, after all, are basically extruded ovaries) just before the egg drops.  This raises the libido at the most advantageous time.  Men secrete more testosterone, constantly.  The reason women grow little beards after menopause is that there is no longer enough estrogen to moderate the effects of the testosterone. 

An exercise for you women - remember when you were in the first blush of true love, when you had the overwhelming urge to drag the object of your affections off into the bushes to wreak mad mayhem on his trembling body whenever no one was looking, or even when they were?  Remember that?  Now multiply that by 5 (and that's probably way too small a factor), and that's how hetero men feel about all women at all times.  Gotta admire their restraint.

And that's why, through history, men have considered women a commodity, to be fiercely guarded and protected until they can be used as reward, loot, barter, treaty, or brood mare.  We are very valuable to them. 

On the other hand, if women could reproduce asexually, if men one day disappeared from the earth, we each might miss a few individually, but would we miss them as a group?   Do we need them like they need us?

============================

I'm on a roll!  I keep adding to this.  Having been up all night again, I'm probably drunk on sleeplessness.

That spring on the fourth ledge is known as "letting down".  It seems to be rare these days.  There are glands on either side that produce a fluid similar to seminal fluid (remember that women have essentially the same equipment as men, just arranged differently), but lighter, thinner, watery.  These days, the usual male reaction is "$#|+ !! She peed on me!"   They are not generally aware of the phenomenon. 

Most doctors will deny it exists.  I don't know why.  Maybe it's a misguided attempt to protect the psyches of women who don't have it, but I doubt it.  I suspect it's because they have never seen it in their own experiences, therefore it must be a myth.  It was well known in England in Victorian times, but mostly just in the upper classes (and among prostitutes and "kept women", who often faked it with inserts).  It was considered proof of the superiority of the upper classes.   I don't suppose the fact that the upper class women had a household staff, including nannies, and that the lower class women were worked to death, had anything to do with it.  Relaxation does help. 

========================

Hummm....  "Lucky" women were well-kept by men, fed, housed, protected, ... and considered chattel.  Their intellects were not respected.  Their legal rights were few.  This so angered them that they set out to claim their birthright as equals, to wrench power from and share power with men.  But getting out of the home and making their own way, participating in the world, has led to stress, which has probably contributed to a sad loss of the other half of their birthright.  So much so that they've forgotten it.   I wonder if this is why conservative religious "traditional" women express high levels of sexual satisfaction?  Or maybe it's just a subjective thing, that it would be "unChristian" to not be happy, no matter what.   Hummm.....

Jay and I had an arrangement.  Before we married, I outranked and out-earned him.  After we married, he went out and earned money to take care of me, and I stayed home to take care of him.  Required income was not dictated by outgo; outgo was determined by income.  He brought home enough rabbit skins to keep me relaxed and fed, and I kept him VERY happy.   That was my job.  It worked for us, because even though I was not earning, he respected my intellect and capabilities.  He never played the lord of the manor.  I had the best of both worlds.  And I was very relaxed.........   Sigh. 

Thursday, January 20, 2005

#115 Kaleidoscope

 Click here: Build your own kaleidoscope.

#114 The Highwayman

I've been reading the journal of a woman in England.  Yesterday she mentioned The Highwayman as one of  her favorite narrative poems, and said she would post it if folks asked for it.  They did, and she did.  It's also one of my favorites - I had to memorize it for a public presentation class in seventh grade, in Ottawa, and have loved it ever since.  It is so visual, and so romantic.  Every so often since, I have met people here and there who are familiar with the poem.  They all either love it or hate it, there's no middle road.  I have found that I seem to get along best with people who love it. 

So here it is, copied from Jeannette's journal.  Thank you Jeannette.  (I knew I'd like you!)

THE HIGHWAYMAN

The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,

The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,

The road was a ribbon of moonlight, over the purple moor,

And the highwayman came riding -

Riding - riding -

The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

 

He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,

A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;

They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!

And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,

His pistol butts a-twinkle,

His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.

 

Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,

And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;

He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there

But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,

Bess, the landlord's daughter,

Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

 

And dark in the old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked

Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;

His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,

But he loved the landlord's daughter,

The landlord's red-lipped daughter,

Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say -

 

"One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize to-night,

But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;

Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,

Then look for me by moonlight,

Watch for me by moonlight,

I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."

 

He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,

But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand

As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;

And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,

(Oh, sweet black waves in the moonlight!)

Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight, and galloped away to the West.

 

He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;

And out o' the tawny sunset, before the rise o' the moon,

When the road was a gipsy's ribbon, looping the purple moor,

A red-coat troop came marching-

Marching-marching-

King George's men came marching, up to the old inn-door.

 

They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,

But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;

Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!

There was death at every window;

And hell at one dark window;

For Bess could see, through the casement, the road that he would ride.

 

They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;

They bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!

"Now keep good watch!" and they kissed her.

She heard the dead man say-

Look for me by moonlight;

Watch for me by moonlight;

I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!

 

She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!

She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!

They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,

Till, now, on the stroke of midnight,

Cold, on the stroke of midnight,

The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!

 

The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!

Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,

She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;

For the road lay bare in the moonlight;

Blank and bare in the moonlight;

And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love's refrain.

 

Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs ringing clear;

Tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did not hear?

Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,

The highwayman came riding,

Riding, riding!

The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up straight and still!

 

Tlot-tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot-tlot, in the echoing night,

Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!

Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,

Then her finger moved in the moonlight,

Her musket shattered the moonlight,

Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him - with her death.

 

He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood

Bowed, with her head o'er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!

Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear

How Bess, the landlord's daughter,

The landlord's black-eyed daughter,

Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.

 

Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,

With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!

Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,

When they shot him down on the highway,

Down like a dog on the highway,

And he lay in his blood on the highway, with a bunch of lace at his throat.

 

And still of a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,

When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,

When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,

A highwayman comes riding-

Riding - riding -

A highwayman comes riding,up to the old inn-door.

 

Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard,

And he taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;

He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there

But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,

Bess, the landlord's daughter,

Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.

               ~ Alfred Noyes

(I had learned that last line as "Plaiting a blood red love-knot into her long black hair."  I like my version better.  You can find this poem in several books and on several websites, and I have noticed many minor differences here and there.  I think people like to improve on it.  The version in my autobiographical book of sketches is "the way I remember it" - which may or many not bear much resemblance to the way Noyes wrote it.)

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

#113 The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences

You scored as Verbal/Linguistic. You have highly developed auditory skills, enjoy reading and writing and telling stories, and are good at getting your point across. You learn best by saying and hearing words. People like you include poets, authors, speakers, attorneys, politicians, lecturers and teachers.

Verbal/Linguistic             89%

Visual/Spatial                 89%

Intrapersonal                   79%

Logical/Mathematical     71%

Interpersonal                   57%

Bodily/Kinesthetic          46%

Musical/Rhythmic           32%


The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

#112 Cold Comfort

Didn't go to dance class last night.  I opened the front door exactly once all day, and slammed it shut again immediately.  It's too darn cold out there!  When I'm cold I want my bed, so I crawled under the covers at 7 pm, intending to read and watch TV, and accidentally fell asleep.  I woke at 1 am and have been awake since. 

I did try the snowthrower on Sunday.  It started.  It didn't want to keep running, but I think that's just because it hadn't been run in ages.  I can probably nurse it past that.  There's a few inches of snow on the drive now, but not enough to bother the van, and there's no danger of it melting down to frozen slush for a few days (it's about 5 degrees out there now, and won't get above 25 all week), so I'm going to let it go for now.  It'll be in the 20s on Thursday, so I might clear it then.

I HATE COLD!!!

===========================================

I got a comment from a reader on #110 (about why some crises get all kinds of help and others are ignored) that I had to think about a bit.  She says "As soon as Americans are involved in a disaster, we rush to aid them.  If there are no American deaths, victims, casualties, or survivors to tell the story, no one cares.  As soon as there are Americans involved, everyone wants to know what's going on and they will do whatever they can to help." 

It is true that involvement of Americans gets the media there, and often will get the government involved (at least to the extent of getting the Americans out (unless the Americans are missionaries, then the US state department seems to look away)).  That gets the ball rolling.  But what Nightline was wondering about was the enormous and continuing emotional response of the American people - the private contributions and public pressure on the federal government to do more. 

All these private contributions for the tsunami are not going to help the Americans - they are going to help the local people, since all the Americans are all either gone or safely on their way home (or staying to volunteer).  We don't have that same emotional response to Somalia, or the street children of Brazil (6 year-olds begging on the street to feed younger siblings, children being hunted and murdered by "cleanup squads"), or the famines in Ethiopia, or the sex trade in children in South America and southeast Asia, or the earthquakes in China, all of which have been covered by the media - until it was obvious no one was interested.  Maybe it is that Americans were there and experienced it, and somehow we emotionally connect more through them.   

We'll see how long it lasts.  The government has already lost interest.

============================================ 

Heard recently:  The reason many business women are uncomfortable in positions of authority is that they have been trained to be conciliators, and they are therefore afraid/reluctant to anger peers and subordinates.

============================================

The new tack from the Creationists is to call it "Intelligent Design".  I don't understand why there's so much distance between the Creationists and the Evolutionists.  One would think that it would take intelligence to set up evolution.  A Jewish scholar(**) once told me that in Genesis, the old word for "day" in the singular meant "one day", but in the plural it was an undefined period of time, so that "days" could refer to an eon.  So saying that the world was created in seven days could be translated as seven eons.  If you look at it that way, Genesis tracks geological history and evolution, which is absolutely astounding!  

(**) Mordecai Treblow, in 1964, to be exact - Rabbi D., do you remember him?  The chemistry professor who kept falling off his stool, used his office window as a door, stunk up the lab once a month, looked exactly like Jerry Lewis' nutty professor, chess club advisor?  I adored him. 

Friday, January 14, 2005

#111 Driveway - Last Entry, I Promise!

At last light last night (Thursday), I still had the glacier in the driveway, and the TV weathermen said it was going to get very cold very quickly - we'd already had a 10 degree drop in the last half hour.  Very discouraging.  At first light this morning (Friday), I was amazed to see clear blacktop!  I have no idea how.

I was expecting delivery of a large heavy package (a chrome and marble clothes tree, they had attempted delivery twice over the past week), and had told the delivery company (DHL?) that if they couldn't get up the drive, to leave it in the van at the bottom.  I was not looking forward to dragging the thing up the hill myself.  So I ran down and moved the van up the clear drive, and this afternoon the package was delivered to my door.  Hurrah!

However, it wasn't the clothes tree.  It was a shawl I had ordered from India. Duh?

I promise that this weekend I will get gas for the snowthrower and try starting it, and if it doesn't start, I will get it serviced early next week.

=============================

Nightline this evening did a segment on Bollywood, in particular the dance sequences.  With the Broadway Bollywood show, and with some US film folks putting Bollywood-type dance sequences in movies, I wonder how long before we see "Bolly Belly"?  The costumes are already shifting that direction.

#110 Why Some and Not Others?

A topic of a recent Nightline (which was on the constantly droning TV, but which I as usual wasn't really watching, just catching bits and pieces in passing) was why some crises get all kinds of press, attention, sympathy, assistance, and donations, and others just as devastating get nothing.  

There has been virtually zero response to the carnage and famine in Somalia or the Sudan.  There was minimal response to the earthquakes a few years ago in Greece, Iraq, or China - which killed more than the tsunami.  The religion,  color, or political friends theories don't hold up.  As Ted Koppel pointed out, many of the tsunami victims are as black as Africans, most are not Christian, and a few are isolationist.  The theory of man-made disaster (like "ethnic cleansing") vs. natural disaster also doesn't hold up, as evidenced by the lack of response to the killings, earthquakes, and famines. 

Media attention isn't the answer, either.  Reporters have gone to and reported on many crises that quickly dropped off the screen (heartbreaking stories of famine victims who see reporters, and "thank God that now people will see, they will know, and now help will come", and they sit and wait hopefully, and wait, and wait  - and no one comes).  Reporters drop the story because no one is interested.  So why?  Nightline had no answer.

They didn't ask me. 

My theory:  First the reporters have to come, of course.  If no one knows, no one will help.  But some crises have been fully reported, and still no one cares.  So the real question is, what makes people care or not care?  

I think the key is whether aid will make a difference.

If you have an area of subsistence economy in which there has always been and will always be periodic drought and famine, an especially bad drought or famine will elicit little sympathy.  Very few people will admit it, but I suspect the underlying thought is "Well, if the land won't support that many people, there shouldn't be that many people there.  If we feed them, the population will continue to increase, and it will only get worse. Let the equation naturally adjust."

If you have an area of historically unstable government and constant social conflict, then another civil war or ethnic cleansing isn't going to elicit anythingmore than mild sympathy.  You could go in and try to stop it, but the history of the area has shown over and over that as soon as you turn your back, it will happen again.  There's not much point in trying.  You may be able to fix a situation temporarily, but you can't fix the people who create the situation.  So our tendency is to turn our backs and let them go.  Maybe some day they'll get tired of killing each other.  Survival of the fittest, and all that.   Although no one says it out loud.

If you have a disaster in an area that is relatively unknown to us, the pictures have little impact.  So when the earthquake destroyed so many people, homes, and industries in central China, the photos and numbers meant nothing to the western world.  We didn't know what it had been like before, so to most of us, what it looked like now seemed to suit our concept of what life was like there before.  Most will not admit it, but I suspect the thought was "Well, they are used to hardship.  The Chinese government always insists they want nothing from us, so ok, they can handle it.  They'll be ok."

We seem to think aid and assistance will make little difference in situations like the above.

If, however, you have an area where the people have been working to make a good life (maybe they are very poor by our standards, but they are seen as generally industrious), where the government is and has been relatively stable, where the community is mostly cohesive and calm, where we think we sort of know the people and locale, and especially where the catastrophe is not of their own making, then we are willing to go all out to help, no matter what their color or religion or type of government - because we think our assistance will do permanent good, good that will last. 

For good or for bad, that's just the way it is, Mr. Koppel.

===================================

Same topic, but different application, the landslide in La Concita.  On a high emotional level, I have personal sympathy for the people who lost family members.  On a deeper logical level, I have no sympathy.  They all knew the hillside was a danger when they bought their houses!  They had been petitioning the local government to terrace the hillside (refused - too expensive).  There was a large farm on the top that irrigated.  The homeowners had been trying to get the government to tell the farmers they couldn't irrigate.  An overhead view shows a large rectangle of houses squished right up against the hillside.  Further from the hillside, there's very little construction.

Know why?  Because the land was much cheaper there, precisely because it was known to be dangerous.  So they all bought and built because it was cheap.  The farm had been there, and had been irrigating, long before the houses.  They bought and built anyway.  Because it was cheap.  They could afford a fancier larger house there than anywhere else.  So now it caught up with them. There are tradeoffs.  They bet and they lost.  Too bad they bet their children's lives.

I get so annoyed with people who buy a house next to an airport, because it's cheap, then have the nerve to complain about the noise, and start (and win!) campaigns to force planes to go through dangerous takeoff and landing gyrations.  They knew the airport was there when they bought the house. 

When we lived in St. Louis, I stood on a bridge and watched whole houses floating down the river, even in small floods.  The land along the river floods every few years.  Always has and always will.  And yet people build homes on that floodplain and want sympathy (and compensation) when the house floats away.  Since they can't get flood insurance, they appeal to the government, and they actually do get federal and state funds to rebuild.  Over and over.  Where do they rebuild?  On the floodplain.  Because it's cheaper. 

I have no sympathy for them.  And I don't think my flying safety, my taxes, or my insurance premiums should be sacrificed to fix things for these people.  And if my house burns down because the firetruck couldn't get up the driveway, I want no sympathy, and expect no concessions, because I accepted that chance when I didn't prepare the snowthrower for the winter.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

#109 My Driveway Is Now a Glacier!

All the TV weathermen said it would get into the 50s today.  It did.  All the TV weathermen said it would melt all the snow out there.  It didn't.  It just made dense fog.  (I laughed when one of them this evening said "Fog as far as the eye can see".  Huh?)

So, the 3 inches of frozen snow-slush with an inch of ice on top from last week, that had been covered with another 4 inches of snow-slush and another inch of ice earlier this week, is now five inches of frozen snow-froth.  And we are headed for 20s and teens this weekend and early next week.

It's bad enough carrying packages and groceries up the slippery driveway (spike heels don't even break through!), but worse, the oil truck can't make it up.  I do have electric backup heat off the old heat pump, but that's horribly expensive.  Plus, I paid up front for 800 gallons of oil (I usually use four 200 gallon loads per winter) to lock in the discount price, and I don't know what happens if I don't use it because the truck can't deliver.  Do I get credit for next winter?

I doubt that an ambulance could make it up the hill.  I don't know about a fire truck.  I really don't like this.  I want to blame the weathermen, but I know who's really to blame: 

My balky gas-guzzling snowthrower!

#108 My Mug Shot

When I was in high school, my father was Commander of Benton AFB, on Red Rock Mountain.  We lived on the base.  In 1960 or '61 (age 15-16), I did some work for the Provost Marshall.  There were areas on the base that he needed pictures of, but they were high security areas, so cameras were not allowed.  I had some drawing skills, so I was sent in to draw the areas.  I got a top secret access badge, which usually requires an extensive background check - I guess my father being the commander shortened that a bit.  I was photographed and fingerprinted.  This is a copy of the mug shot.  It's a poor quality print, curling and flaking, but I thought it might be interesting. 

The dark line above my hair is the 5' mark.  I actually continued to grow another inch or two in college.  Also, no makeup here.  Once upon a time, my eyes were beautiful....

#107 [P] Photo of My Mother

  This is my mother, Mary Elizabeth Morris, her high school graduation picture, 1941.

#106 Hemi

I'm still marveling at the commercials for the vehicles that are so proud of having "hemi-power".  Was there not one person in that whole company aware that "hemi-" means "half"?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

#105 Journal Comments Lead to Junk Email!!!

In entry #47 I noted that I had removed the comment facility (accidentally removing all old comments, too).  You should all thank me profusely! 

I have several other AOL screennames, and in an attempt to hide this journal, I have recently used two of the other screennames to leave comments in other AOL journals (only two or three - I am mostly a silent lurker).  In two years, none of the alternate names had received even one piece of email.  Within two days of posting comments, the spam started pouring in! 

Somebody is mining journals for (definitely) AOL screennames, and (possibly) non-AOL email addresses.

!!!

You're welcome.

Now pardon me while I go create a posting-only no-email-accepted id, and see if I can figure out how to notify AOL of this exposure.

Saturday, January 8, 2005

#104 Ice Bound

If you haven't read #101, about the mess in my driveway, read it now, paying special attention to points 5 and 6, about how it's supposed to be sunny and warm enough this weekend to melt the snow and ice, and about how every time they say that, it just ain't, aren't, wasn't ever, dasn't never be, true!  So here it is the weekend, and it sleeted all day.  Well, I think it was sleet.  It looked and felt a lot like rain, but it bounced when it hit the inch of ice already on top of the snow, so it was something harder than rain.   Now they're saying that it will warm up into the 40s Wednesday, and get into the 50s Friday, which will surely melt it all.  Yeah, surely.

When I've gotten myself into this fix in the past, I've called Budget and had them deliver a rental car.  Budget was the only folks around here that would deliver.  I'd shovel a space at the bottom of the driveway for the rental.  That got me wherever I had to go, but the first time I went grocery shopping and had to carry all those bags up the hill, I about died.  Remember - the reason I can't get the van down or the car up is the ice!  (Pick up bags.  *Walk five steps.  Fall down.  Gather up everything that fell out of bags.  Pick up bags.  Repeat from * until front door reached.)  Well, I won't have that problem any more.  Last I heard, the local Budget office had closed.

So I decided the van was going down the driveway this afternoon.  It might go down sideways or on its roof, it might take a tree or two with it, but it was going down. 

Turns out it wasn't so bad after all.  The whatever-it-was-falling-from-the-sky melted and compressed the snow under the ice (or maybe it was residual heat in the blacktop, but I doubt it), so the tires were able to cut through the crust, and then ride on top of ice pieces.  That kept the bottom of the dropped body just high enough that it didn't "snowplow" (push snow up into the engine).   I left the van at the bottom.  Walking back up, I was amused that some part of the undercarriage had gouged a track 2 inches deep midway between the wheels, all the way down.

So, I'm ready.  Now it will definitely get warmer soon.  It better be soon - having blocked the drive, I won't be getting any deliveries until it does. 

Thursday, January 6, 2005

#103 Hands, Redux!

Read the last part of the previous entry first, about the Magic Eraser.

Look what I found at http://www.medhelp.org/forums/dermatology/messages/30987a.html (note that my blisters are white, and don't hurt, but I'm getting closer!):

 Subject: small pin size blisters on hands
Topic Area: Eczema
Forum: The Dermatology Forum

Question Posted By: heather on Tuesday, February 13, 2001

just lately i've gotten these small pink/red blisters
on the plams and inside of my fingers,they hurt alittle
mostly of the morning and as the day goes by they seem to
fade,when they go to heal they get alittle brownish dot
in the center.from what i've been reaing and all i can find
is that it might be some type of Eczema?if so,is it something
that is only treatable (never goes away) or can i get rid of
it???
thanks for you comments.

Answer Posted By: Derm M.D. ASR on Tuesday, February 13, 2001

Heather:

Sounds like dyshidrosis, a form of eczema once thought to be due to "bad sweating" (that's what the word means.) Actually, we don't know what it's from, but it isn't catchy and often doesn't even need to be treated. If the symptoms start to bother you, your dermatologist can help.

Best.

Dr. Rockoff

=========================================

Update, 4:45 am

After reading a bunch, and looking at a slew of pictures, I have concluded that what I do NOT have is cheiropompholyx, keratolysis exfoliativa, or impetigo.  What I probably DO have is dyshidrosis, dyshidrotic eczema, vesticular eczema, or vesiculobullous eruptions (all of which seem to be essentially the same thing).  The only missing piece is that in all cases, they say the blisters hurt or itch.  Mine don't.

Caused by sensitivity and dryness, sometimes stress.  Not contagious.  If it's not bothersome, no treatment other than use of a non-cream moisturizer and wearing gloves when using soaps and detergents (turns out the cream moisturizers have water in them, which tends to aggravate rather than cure dryness).  If bothersome, treated with 1% cortisone creams, or in severe cases, Prednisone.  Can be triggered by injury to the skin.  Can be caused by a sensitivity to nickel.

So, in the spring, I had stopped putting cortisone on the patches of eczema on my elbows.  Palms had gotten used to cortisone.  Then Magic Eraser injures and severely dries palms.  Along about the same time, I cut down on the flax oil/lecithin/fish oils supplements for the summer because they made my skin too oily.  Plus I had been handling a lot of Kutchi jewelry and medallions - wanna bet they're full of nickel?  And I developed a passion for the $8.99 Wal-Mart "diamond" rings - wanna bet they're full of nickel?  And I had been doing more needlework, so I was using gel alcohol on my hands.  Then this fall, I was determined not to get the flu, so I was washing and disinfecting my hands constantly.

Pow!  Even though my hands don't feel dry, they are probably a lot dryer than they like to be.  Plus nickel.  Don't see how I could have avoided this.

Plan:  Hand creams (non-creamy - i.e. Eucerin).  Time to restart the cortisone on my elbows anyway.  Lots of nice soaking in bathtub.  No washing of dishes.  (Ok ok.  Gloves when washing dishes.) Or, just ignore it.  It's not hurting anything.

Daughter - in my reading, I came across a few things that might explain your very dry hands.  Are you interested?

=========================================

Further Update, 5:40 am

When I had mentioned stress as a causative agent, that wasn't just emotional stress.  They specifically mentioned things like a systemic fungal infection, and several forms of cancer.  So I think I will work on the external treatments, just to see if I can eliminate the internal causes as possibilities.

#102 Satellite photos, My hands

I haven't said much about the tsunami situation, but it has been on my mind a lot.  I've been reading what others have had to say, including some journalers on site.  All the numbers of dead, and TV tapes of the waves hitting, and reporting from aid distribution points - nothing brought it home to me like the satellite "before and after" photos.  Coastlines drastically changed, densely populated and vegetated areas cleared down to blank tan dirt, islands halved or gone.  When you look at the pictures, and realize that there was NO warning....   Search on "satellite tsunami" - there are several sites full of photos, pick any.  (Be sure you look at the Banda Aceh north and south shorelines (northern Sumatra in Indonesia)).  Enlarge the photos, so you can see the houses in the "before"s.  Remember there were people in them.   Suddenly the numbers have faces, families.

The White House keeps saying that aid donations should come mainly from the private sector, not the federal government.  The problem with this is that only the heavily advertised disasters get donations.  Smaller disasters, un-newsworthy stuff, and chronic conditions won't get any assistance.  We should be giving more - free assistance, not loans - for education, economic development, famine relief, victim assistance, crime fighting, etc. all over the world.  We need a centralized group to disperse the funds where they will do the most good.  Maybe the group should be not just at a federal level, maybe it should be at a world level.  Maybe we could form some kind of world organization to pool funds from the richer nations to disperse to the less developed areas to help them grow.  Maybe we could call it something like, oh, maybe "United Nations", or something like that.  (Ok, sarcasm button off now...)   

Something to consider is that if we as a nation spent the equivalent of our war chest on assistance worldwide, maybe we wouldn't have to go to war so often, so alone, to such resistance.  Think of what it would mean if the first image of a US soldier was as a saviour....

=================================

Just something I've noticed that distresses  me - when they show tapes of emergency food and water being delivered, there's usually a melee, people shoving and elbowing and clawing and climbing on top of each other to get get get.  I don't know how to prevent that, but it makes me sick to my stomach to see it.  Allowing that scramble rewards the most vicious, and penalizes the small, young, or gentle.  Notably, when you see the same distribution scene in a Buddhist area, there is no clawing.  Buddhists wait in line, pass things on, and share, so no one has to worry about getting nothing.  Because all are patient, all know that they will get something, so all are patient.  It's lovely.

=============================

I have registered for the Mensa Annual Gathering in New Orleans, in July (The Big Easy for a whole week in July?  Maybe not so easy...!)  The hotel is right on the French Quarter on one side, the river on the other.  I don't have my hotel reservations yet.  In true Mensa fashion, the website has a link to the hotel reservation site, but it says right next to the link "If you have difficulty with this link...", and of course it timed out everytime I tried it, it doesn't respond.  Obviously they know there's a problem.  Hence the note.  But it has occurred to no one to just fix the dang thing? 

Umm, Daughter, any chance you could keep Miss Thunderfoot for me during that time?   

=================================

Coming back from Rochester I followed an SUV on the Thruway that was shooting big bright sparks out its back end.  They were bright for like 20 feet behind him.  When I got closer, I saw that he was dragging a thick chain fastened to something under the vehicle.  Unless he was blasting the radio, he had to be aware of it.  I wondered if his gas tank was in any danger.  I passed him as soon as possible.

Back in the '60s and ''70s it was common for young men to drag a small chain - it was supposed to make a cheap radio work better by grounding it or something.  But it was dangerous, because if somehow you came into contact with downed wires, you could get electrocuted.   

It also reminded me of an incident about 20 years ago, where an elderly couple were driving a big RV through the mountains out west somewhere, and towing a car.  Something went wrong with the car, and it was dragging metal.  The couple couldn't see the car, and couldn't hear the dragging.  The sparks set fire to brush along the road for more than 20 miles.  It caused the biggest forest fire that year.  The state sued the couple for the cost of fighting the fire.  

I'm still wondering why the guy on the Thruway was dragging a chain.

===================================

I've got something wrong with my hands.

Last spring sometime I tried a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (yes, it does work, but you have to be careful not to erase the paint as well as the marks, light rubbing only!)  I didn't use it very much.  The sponge I used still looks almost new.   The box said nothing about wearing gloves, and the pictures on the box show bare hands, so I didn't wear gloves.  The next day, all the skin on both my palms blistered up and peeled off, several layers worth over the next few days.  Daughter snorted and said "Well, duh!" 

Over the next few weeks, the skin on my palms and fingers got stiff, dried, cracked, peeled several times - very unusual for me.  My hands are usually so oily I have to scrub them or use alcohol before I touch needlework. (I could never commit a barehanded crime - I leave perfect fingerprints.)

Then it finally settled down. I thought. 

I'm not sure there's any connection, but for the past few months I've had a different problem.  I'm never heard of anything like this.  I get a pinpoint dark spot that feels firmer than the skin around it.  The spot forms a pin-head-sized white blister.  It looks exactly like I have a tiny splinter, like maybe you'd get from cactus hairs.  The blister contains thin white fluid.  I have learned not to break the blister, because if I do, a perfect ring of 6 to 8 more tiny blisters forms  equally spaced around it.  Within two days or so, the blister subsides, and then a nickel-sized patch of skin around the site dries up, cracks, and flakes off.  (If there's more than one blister, the dry patches overlap.  I've had them cover my entire palm.)  There will be a tinier-than-pinpoint dark spot left, that eventually disappears.

The blisters can be single, or in clusters.  The clusters are not random - they are straight lines or perfect circles.  They look planned, or alien.

Mostly they happen on the palm, usually toward the heel, but I've had them on the palm sides of the fingers, and there's a dry patch right now on my right thumb.  There's always at least one at some stage somewhere.  They involve no itching or pain.

At first I thought it might be that hand-foot-mouth thing that kids get, but this is only my hands, no where else, and has been going on way too long.

I looked up the Magic Erasers on the internet, but I can't find anything about anyone else having trouble, not even anything like that initial peeling.  Lots of personal experiences ("Wow, it really does work!") but no mention of skin reactions.  But then again, how do you search for something like this?   Searching on "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Blisters" gets you a zillion places that sell both the Magic Erasers and Dr. Scholl's Moleskin.

I did find out what's in the things.  Ingredients: Formaldehyde-Melamine-Sodium Bisulfite Copolymer , MSDS. , HTH!    It releases hydrogen cyanide on decomposition.   It uses Melamine plastic resin for the sanding action. "The resin penetrates microscopic grooves on smooth surfaces and gently abrades dirt without any additional chemicals or solvents."  ("Without any additional"?)

Have I become sensitized so that now I am allergic to some common thing?  Have I absorbed something awful from the first use, and now my body  is gradually eliminating it through the blisters and flaking?  Is it totally unrelated to the Magic Eraser? 

#101 I Am Snowbound.

It's snowing.  The snow is already above the dropped floor of the van, so I won't be moving it until either the snow melts, or I clear it.  I'm afraid a situation is developing out there, and I'm going to be stuck in the house for several days.  The elements of the situation:

1.  I didn't move the van to the bottom of the driveway because the snow started 12 hours before it was predicted, and I missed the "window".  Now I can't.

2.  I haven't tried the snowthrower yet this year.  If it works like every other year, it won't start until I take it in for service.  I can't get it in for service because I can't move the van. 

3.  Even if the snowthrower will start, I don't have any fresh gas.  If there's any gas out there, it's left over from last winter, and that will likely gunk up the carburetor and kill it. 

4.  In a few hours, the snow is supposed to change to rain, which will melt some of the snow, and then it will refreeze into a solid mass of ice several inches thick.

5.  But "they" are predicting 40s for the weekend, so it will all melt then, and I have enough cigarettes and cat food to make it 'til then, so I am not encouraged to get out there and try.

6.  However, the past few years, when "they" have predicted warm weather that will melt the snow, the warm never happened as scheduled, and I had an icy mess for weeks -

7.  unless I did go out and clear, and then the warm did come, and I was pissed.

And why am I in this situation?  Why didn't I get the equipment serviced and the gas can filled before now?  Because I have flatly refused to admit that winter was coming.  Maybe if I ignore harder, it will all go away.  

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

#100 What Do I Do Until 5 AM?

I mentioned to some folks that I've lately turned my days inside out - that I've been having some trouble getting to sleep before 5,6,7 am, and then I sleep until 3,4,5 pm, and I was asked what on earth I do all night.  I really don't know.  It sure as hell doesn't involve any housework! 

Well, I was out with friends last evening.  I don't know what time I got home, didn't look at the clock, but I suspect it was 'round about 1 am.  I went into the bedroom and started to get undressed.  When I was putting the watch away, I found some rings that had been stored in the watch box because there wasn't enough room in the ring case.  But I had just bought a second ring case a few days ago, so I decided to put those rings in the new case.  That set me wandering through the ring cases, trying on, rearranging, sorting.

My rings are sorted by "real stuff", "nice costume",  "trash but I love it anyway", and "garbage but I'm too stingy to throw it away in case I need a replacement rhinestone someday".   I have one ring that keeps getting bounced between trash and garbage.  It's huge.  Looks like something a slinky someone named Lucretia would wear to secretly dump poison in the hero's martini in a '30s movie.  But I love it.  I'll just probably never wear it. 

(Daughter, this is the huge ring with the rectangular clear stone in a basket setting that you keep asking me to give to you but I won't let you have it because I know you want it so you can throw it away as soon as I'm not looking, probably because you're afraid I will wear it some day and embarrass you terribly.)

I was looking at it under the light, trying to figure out how to clean the underside of the stone, when I noticed some writing tucked up inside there.  "Trifari".  Sounded familiar.  Off to the internet to look up Trifari.  Trifari, it turns out, is the Cadillac of costume jewelry (well, maybe more accurately Oldsmobile), circa 1930s to 1960s, and highly collectable!  Said ring has now been promoted to "nice costume".

So now, of course, I had to look  at some Trifari to find out what this ring might be worth someday, maybe.  Which landed me in Ruby Lane, one of my favorite "slobber-over-the-pictures" sites. 

They currently have 1300 pieces of antique and "vintage" Trifari in stock.

I have a slow connection to the internet.

It is now 5:40 am.

Sunday, January 2, 2005

#99 1/03/05 Where did the year go?

The previous entry was a "place-keeper" for me, not a whole entry.  I wanted to write about it more fully.  It seemed important to me at the time, and I didn't have time to explore it fully then.  And now I can't remember why it seemed so important.  I still think it's true, though, and interesting.

I haven't kept up with this journal over the holidays, and I don't know why.  Lack of time, for one reason, I guess, plus all kinds of conflicting emotions, so that anything I might want to say one day, I'd be wanting to retract the next day, so better to put nothing in writing.

The weekend before Christmas I visited Daughter in New Jersey on Friday.  Then on Saturday, had a full turkey-type holiday dinner with six friends at the new widow's home (I'm going to have to find some other way to identify her - how 'bout I call her "May"?).  For some reason, I was hitting on all cylinders that evening.  I tend to be quiet and three beats behind everyone else, plus not everyone gets my dry humor.  But that evening, I had everyone cracking up with lightening fast one-liners all evening.  Like May said something about what's the chances of her cooking a whole turkey for herself, in reference to having us all over for dinner, and NJKC said "About the same as my cooking a turkey for myself", and I said "About the same as my cooking a turkey for anybody!", and the table roared.   It's enough to make one paranoid.  Is my lack of culinary skills so well known?

Daughter, you'll remember Dirty Dave?  He was there, and he was talking about how he remembers you when you were seven or eight, and how you seemed to be leary of him, "because she didn't know what to think of an adult who wanted to play with her on her level."  I always feel a need to slap him down, so after he'd said that twice, (and he has said it before on other occasions, this particular evening he was trying to impress a new girlfriend) I explained to him that it wasn't that at all, but that you have a rather large personal space, and he intruded heavily on it without invitation.  That surprised him and shut him up.  I wasn't simply using you, I happen to think it's true.  (Also, even at seven, your "level" was already higher than his.  But I didn't say that.)  His statement offended me not only because it wasn't true, but because it implied that I didn't play with you, which was insensitive of him.  And the reason I always feel like I have to slap him down every time I see him is that he is always and always has been insensitive toward me.  And I never slap first.  Hmmm.  Maybe I'm not ready to write here yet.....

Sigh.

===========================

The Wednesday before Christmas I drove to Rochester to visit Jay's Dad on Thursday.  It was nice to see him, he looked and sounded better than I expected. But I also got the impression that he felt very much a lack of control over his life, like that he felt superfluous in his own life.  Nothing he said, nothing in particular, just a look about him.  Maybe a sadness.  If I were a better daughter-in-law, I'd keep in touch more.  He hugged me so hard when I left I wanted to fold him up into my bag and smuggle him home.  (Wouldn't work.  We'd hate each other within a week.  If only because I hate the kitchen, and food is important to him.  I'll never forget the time he arrived unannounced one morning, and I tried to give him leftover chicken vegetable stir fry for lunch, and he frowned and said "That doesn't sound like a proper lunch", and I had to go to the Cornucopia Deli and bring him home a turkey sandwich.  I was steamed!  Not a proper lunch indeed!!)  He's going to get a real nose this week.  Maybe when his glasses sit better, and he can see better, he will feel more connected.  I hope.

Again, for the umpteenth time, I neglected to record the mileage or time.  I think it took about 5 hours to go via the thruway, and 5.75 hours to return via Binghamton and thence through the mountains around the reservoirs - a longer drive, but much more interesting, important when you're tired. 

===========================

The Wednesday after Christmas I had lunch with a friend I used to work with umpteen years ago.  She transferred south ten years ago, and comes back every Christmas to visit her family.  Although we don't have a lot in common any more, I'll probably want to keep her forever, if only because she was the first (and only) person I told when I discovered Jay loved me, and she was sort of the relationship midwife.  She's my connection to the beginning, and she has kept the same romantic soul.  

She had a rough childhood, too, and mentioned how things are getting better with her siblings.  I commented on how no one seems to escape childhood unscathed.  Some people seem to have the most idyllic beginnings - like Jay.   Perfect neighborhood, parents who loved each other, comfortable home, didn't move or change schools ever, siblings who didn't fight, loving grandmother down the street - like something from a 50s family show.  And yet Jay had some deep emotional scars that caused him great sorrow and confusion.  I think if you look hard enough at almost anyone, everyone has scars from their childhood that affect them all their lives.  I think that people who had the idyllic-seeming childhoods may have it worse than those of us who KNOW our lives were hell, because they have nothing to point to, to say "this is why".    They don't know why they feel so bad.  Because they know their childhood was so good, they feel a duty to defend it.  Because they know they had it good, they figure it's something lacking in themselves.  She and I know exactly why we're messed up, we know it came from outside, and so we are better equipped to redesign ourselves in a better image.

===========================

I had an invitation to a New Year's party in Poughkeepsie, but didn't go.  It seemed like too much trouble when there wasn't anyone there I really wanted to be with.  Man, when it gets cold out, I get antisocial.

===========================

I got so upset that the US was pledging only 35 million for tsunami relief (when the Iraq mess is costing 10 million an hour!) that I went to the Network for Good and donated "a very large amount" to Doctors Without Borders.  But it bothered me that it didn't hurt to do that.  So the next day I donated an equal amount through Amazon.com.  Then it felt like I'd sacrificed.  (It also hurt because only after I'd pressed the button did I find out I'd sent this huge amount to the bleepin' Red Cross!  The Red Cross is not one of my favorite charities for a variety of reasons, but maybe in a case like this they'll do it right.)

===========================

I've stayed in motels a few times over the past few weeks.  I know I bloat when I travel - I've learned to be careful what clothing I take on a trip, because I often find nothing fits the same way more than four hours away from home. 

I was not prepared this time for how unforgiving motel mirrors are.  I know I'm carrying too much weight.  When I look in the mirror at home, I don't think I look too very bad, I just wish I were a bit lighter.   When I looked in the motel mirrors, I was horrified!  I've got dimples everywhere!  My body looked downright sloppy.  It quite literally made me feel sick.  I need to lose 40 pounds, ASAP!  

I'm feeling very unhappy with my appearance these days.  I used to catch a glimpse of myself in passing, in a mirror or a store window, and I didn't always recognize myself, because the person I saw was pretty.  She moved well.  I was always pleased when I recognized her as me.   Even as recently as 2002 I was pleased with my appearance.  Now, suddenly, I avoid glancing at reflections.  It looks like the ghost of my grandmother is stalking me.  My neck is loose.  My face is pudgy and I've got droopy jowls.  The skin above my eyelids is starting to fall.  My nose is getting bigger - partly from age, and partly because the hole in the septum is getting bigger, which causes it to cave at the tip and spread.  I wonder if it's because I stopped the estrogen in mid 2002.  Could it really happen that fast?  Luckily, I'm still good with makeup.

===========================

After all these years, I've finally figured out why I have the hole in my nose.  I don't often think about how I was addicted to APCs in my late teens and twenties.  I used to take so much my ears buzzed.  My nose had always bled when I got hit, of course, but it eventually bled on its own, spontaneously.  I used to wake up with a pillow full of blood, or major clots in my throat.  It would form clots in my nose during the day, or huge scabs that I would have to clear out to be able to breathe.  That's how the hole formed.  It still bleeds sometimes at night, but only a little bit, especially in the winter.  Vaseline helps, but feels icky, so I mostly forget to use it.   I always thought it was just fragile blood vessels (a familial problem), but now I realize it was the APCs.  Aspirin can cause bleeding.  The APCs probably had a lot to do with my monthly hemorrhages, too (although they continued after I quit the pills, so I don't know...).  

Odd, the things you realize when you have the leisure to think about them.  Or when you finally give yourself permission to see clearly.