Being a little old lady, I can get away with asking young couples, "So. You've been together six years. You have two kids. Why aren't you married?" The answer I almost always get is, "We can't afford to get married yet." I won't accept that, because especially with children, there are so many financial and social advantages and safety nets with marriage that you can't afford not to be married. Things happen. Catastrophe is always just around the corner.
A marriage license costs maybe $20. Blood tests, if required, cost maybe $50 total, less if you have insurance. The state-sanctioned official costs only a gift in a discreet white envelope. So within days of a decision, for probably less than $100 (six pizzas), and in the company of two friends, you can be standing in front of a JP or judge or pastor of your choice, and walk out married. Jay and I were married by the town judge. We both wore jeans. Daughter presented me with a wildflower bouquet. What's not to afford? If your friends and relatives have been content not to attend a wedding thus far, they may be a bit disappointed, but if they aren't happy for you now, they didn't deserve to be invited to a fancy reception anyway. So, what can't you afford? If you really feel that you have to have a huge wedding, fine. Renew your vows when you can afford it.
Being a little old lady, I can poke and prod and scold and get away with it. When I talk with the males, when it starts out with "can't afford", it ends up with an admission that they are afraid of "being taken for everything I have." It's not the cost of a wedding that concerns them, it's the cost of a divorce! They also often express concern that once married, "she will change, she doesn't have to be nice anymore" (implication being no more sex on demand), which will lead to unhappiness and eventual divorce.
When I talk with the females, it's a lot harder to get beyond "can't afford". Some of them act like not having a huge wedding is somehow getting cheated, and by darn they're going to hold out for it! These are usually the same ones who also insist on a huge bank-busting engagement ring. If they can't get past that, I can see why their men don't trust them. Others insist that his dedication to thechildren is enough, they themselves prefer to remain independent, they don't want to be "owned" or "controlled". Apparently, they don't trust him with their persons, and the possibility of catastrophe has never concerned them.
You shouldn't marry someone you don't love, and who doesn't love you back equally. You can't marry someone you don't trust. I see a lack of trust. They're having babies, but they're not talking to each other about the things that matter to them.
Of course, this isn't the only reason some couples don't marry. Sometimes it's just stupidity, like the couple on TV this morning. He had been in a very bad fire, had been burned over 90% of his body. Very badly scarred and melted. No fingers. Practically no face. On permanent disability. She had met him during his physical therapy. They had been together five years, and had one child together. They were obviously in love and in trust. They wanted to get married, but "couldn't" because they "couldn't afford it", and because her family didn't accept him. Her mother had said she "could do better", and her extended family didn't want him at family functions (perhaps because he was hard to look at and he scared the children?). So that's why they hadn't gotten married.
Huh? "Can't afford" in this case didn't appear to be covering any relationship deficiencies. Must be a lack of imagination. And the family's not accepting him didn't prevent them from living together for five years and having a baby. Seems like that would have been the hard part. They got married when the TV show paid for the critically important white dress and tux, flower bower, reception hall, dinner, and dance band, and persuaded the mother to go to the wedding (which wasn't hard. They just said "why not go to the wedding?" and she said "Ok.").
Sigh. There's so much I don't understand.
Apparently there's some confusion between the formalization of a commitment, and the throwing of a big party. Maybe it goes back to a time when a marriage was not a personal commitment between individuals, but was a political joining of families. The families came together to join the two. But hey! That's when brides were SOLD! (For all intents and purposes....that's where the "giving away of the bride" came from.)
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