Daughter and I were talking last night about self-image, confidence, etc. In the past, I’ve had a lot of trouble with that, I guess because my father spent so much effort on tearing all of us down. I didn't feel that I was deserving. I got annoyed with others when they weren’t perfect, because I had been taught that anything less than perfection deserved a beating. I had a lot of trouble with men, too, because I was so terribly afraid of angering them, and so anxious to get their attention and approval, again because of my father. But these days, I know that I’m actually a quite nice person, and I like me. I’m a lot less likely to demand perfection from others, because I now know I don’t have to be perfect to be perfectly nice in a interestingly flawed human sort of way.
These are some of the nice things that I know and like about me:
• I don’t gossip about others, and I don’t like others to do it around me.
• I am generous with my time and possessions. Perhaps not as much as others, but the important thing is that I’m not trying to prove or "buy" anything when I give.
• I am honest about my faults. Like when someone asks me to do something, I’ll tell them right off that I’m not very dependable where schedules or other priorities are concerned.
• I can’t be externally coerced by guilt trips.
• I take responsibility when I screw up.
• I don’t use crude language naturally, and on the rare occasion when I do use it for emphasis, I am uncomfortable.
• I am a rule-follower. Some people might consider this a fault - especially those who (whom? not sure here...) I have insisted must also follow the rules - but I understand that laws, rules, and guidelines exist for the smooth functioning of society, and that if a law is stupid, you follow it anyway while you work to change it. (A benefit: I have nothing to fear if NYS decides to use EasyPass records to catch speeders.)
• I see something good in even the most annoying people.
• I frequently compliment others, and my compliments are always true.
• I am considerate. I don’t blithely throw bumps in otherpeople’s paths for my own convenience.
• I try to understand when others do me dirty. They wouldn’t do it unless they have a problem of their own. I try to continue to be pleasant to them, and if they continue to hurt me, I will simply avoid them. To others, I may say that I don’t like being around this person, but I’ll say it in terms of my own problems with them, not that they are an inherently bad person.
• I am strong. I can do anything that’s necessary, handle anything that happens, and I remain cool when others around me are freaking (possibly from being the eldest of five). I am not averse to asking for help.
• I don’t merely appreciate truth and beauty - I search for it.
• I am not materialistic. (Ok, stop laughing. What I mean by this is that I don’t make choices based on what I get for it. What you may call materialistic about me is actually hedonism.)
• I do try to really listen to people, at least I’m annoyed with myself when my own thoughts interfere.
• I can accept a difference of opinion and suggestions from others, and my mind can be changed. I can consider the needs of others and integrate them in proportion to the effects on others.
Of course, there are faults, like my need to be in control, procrastination, sloppiness, missing social cues, resistance, impatience with silliness, etc., but why list them? If you know me, you know my faults better than I do. If you love me, you work around them.
Things I admire about Daughter:
• You are so very physically fit!
• I have never met anyone with your mental ability/agility. Even Jay was in awe of you.
• You understand the difference between being safe and being happy, and have chosen to be happy. (Although as your mother, itscares the beans out of me sometimes.)
• You are very aware of the social niceties (and I don’t know where you could have got that from, which makes iteven more admirable that you grew it yourself).
• You are neat and clean (which wouldn’t be something to comment on unless one knew what you came from).
• You have a soft warm heart.
• You have a cool head in emergencies.
• You are searching for a better way.
• You are not vain. (Unlike some parts of my family, your hairdresser is not at the top of your Christmas list.)
• You understand what’s important and what’s not.
• "Old soul" is not just a phrase when applied to you - you have wisdom beyond your years.
• You are fearlessly introspective.
• You are tolerant of faults in others.
• You set realistic goals and work to achieve them.
• You listen to criticism and accept it well, and work for improvement.
• There’s more, but it would be more useful for you to complete the list for yourself.
I can hear you adding "usually" and "mostly" and "except when" to every line - but all that’s necessary is to come down "mostly" on the plus side. No one has to be anything "always".
I can think of only one fault (which manifests itself in many many ways), and that is a tendency to be too critical of yourself and too defensive toward people with whom you are emotionally involved. A good trait is that you recognize this.
Something to keep in mind - experiences and thoughts change you. Twenty years from now, you won’t even recognize the person you are now. But the way you are heading is up, and that’s your most admirable trait.
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