#426 Sad

I drove into the village today and walked.  And walked and walked and walked until my right hip threatened to lock.  It's a small village.  I had to circle several neighborhoods twice.  It was another beautiful day, and I guess the village will be vacuuming up leaves soon, because at about every third house someone was out blowing or raking leaves to the curb. 

I had a lot to think about, and if I sat at home I'd think in circles and spiral down, so I walked and walked until the sun went down.  Now I'm too tired to think, but I'm still thinking anyway.  I am very sad.

Men are too much trouble.  Too hard to even attempt to understand.  Especially closed and evasive men.  I've pretty much had it.  Either he opens up and stops hiding from me, or I have to walk away.  If I stay, it will be on a different basis, with a different understanding.  I dumped that on him last night, and now it's up to him.  So I don't know why I'm still thinking so much - there's nothing left for me to decide.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm getting just leftover crumbs (he says I'm not, but that's how it feels), and that's about it.

I do understand that he has been emotionally battered, and that he needs to protect himself.  But if he doesn't understand by now that I won't hurt him that way, there's nothing more I can do.  I asked him to think about it and not to call me for a few days. 

So as soon as I got in the house this evening, naturally I looked to see if there was a message on the phone.  And I could cry because there isn't.  I'm a mess.

To make things worse, I'm afraid he's got a health issue, and he won't let me in enough to commiserate or help.

At the end of my walk, I stopped at the CVS and bought a pack of cigarettes and another box of the nicotine patches.  I stopped using the patches two or three weeks ago because even level 2 is too strong for me.  Every few days I'd buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke two or three of them, then fill the rest of the pack with water and throw them away.  Those two or three were sufficient to satisfy the craving, and to remind me that I don't really get all that much out of them. 

But I fully intend to smoke this entire pack.  All tonight if possible.  I'll start up with the patches again tomorrow.  But tonight I need the calming, and I don't drink or drug, so nicotine is it.

Don't yell at me.  I'm doing the best I can.

~~Silk