#394 The Next Relationship

I wrote this a very long time ago, in my "Things to Think About" log.  I've been thinking about it off and on since.  

A next relationship is always complicated by the previous one. 

If the previous was very good, the person may still be a little in love with the old flame, and expect any new person to be the same, to make them feel the same.  Unreasonable expectations.  Headed for disappointment.  Bad news. 

If it was bad, then the person may be afraid that the new person will be the same as the old.  On guard.  Suspicious.  Jealous.  Bad news.

So it seems like any subsequent relationship should be doomed from the start.   But they're not.  Some bump along just fine. 

Why?  How?

Well, now I've got a little more data than when I first posed the question. 

If you don't examine the old relationship, and figure out why it was good or bad, then it will cause problems, because you won't notice the differences between the old and the new.  And there will be differences, because people are different, and you are different with different people.  Needs and their intersections are different.

If you do examine why a past relationship was good or bad, then you can see why and where and how the new is different.

You teach people how to treat you.  If you follow the same pattern as in past relationships, one of two things will happen:
You will eventually teach the new person to treat you the same as you were treated in the past.   Or -
You will be disappointed that you are treated differently.

Either is not good.

For a long time, I was worried that I'd never be able to fully appreciate any other man after Jay, because our relationship, our marriage, was so near to perfect.  But I now realize that it is possible to have something just as good, but very different.  It doesn't have to be the same to be good.  Jay and I had particular needs and gifts that happened to intersect perfectly.  However, I have other needs and gifts, other than those particular ones.  There can be a different pattern of intersection, with just as many points, but in a different combination. 

It is possible to be just as good, but I have to recognize that it will be very different. 

So, my conclusion:  Don't start a new relationship until you understand the old one, and why it was good or bad.  

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A thought long the same lines - there's an old saying that "if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you."  A lot of friends advised me not to get too deeply involved with Jay because he had cheated on his ex with me, and I would never be able to trust him.  "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Not true.  It was obviously not true once you understood why he cheated.  Those reasons did not exist in our relationship.  It was a different relationship.  A different pattern.

~~Silk