I try very hard not to manipulate people. When you manipulate someone into something, YOU are fully responsible for the outcome. I don't want to be responsible for what happens to other people. Plus, I'm not very good at it. I'm too transparent. Kind of like when I look down and to the left every time I tell a fib. I pretty much can't manipulate anyone, or lie to them, without their knowing it.
When you look at Jay's and my marriage, I did manipulate him in a way, because with his problems, he needed it. But it was always very transparent and with his permission and cooperation. I also admit that I have occasionally used mild manipulation to get May out of her house. I can't see anything bad coming of that, but I feel bad about it anyway.
What constitutes manipulation, anyway? Any conversation other than the simple transmission of facts is manipulation to some degree. You are trying to get the other person to understand something, or to agree with you, or to have some opinion of you that you have chosen. Any time you choose your words for effect you are practicing manipulation.
I am always very much afraid of being accused of manipulation. The bad kind. I'm not sure how to define the bad except as the kind that people will accuse you of. Or that they would accuse you of if they knew about it. I'm not sure where the line is drawn.
Like, if you say something like "I'd really appreciate it if you could attend", to a diverse group, then it's just a statement of fact. If there's manipulation at all, it's minimal. But if you say it to someone you know is eager to please you, then it's intentional manipulation. You have manipulated their feelings, used their desire to please you for your own ends. Most of the time, you know when you're doing it.
Is that bad? Even if it is true that you would appreciate their company? How is it bad to say something that's true?
If a woman positions herself so that a man can see her, and smiles at him, and maybe even bats the old eyelashes a bit, she is manipulating him. Flirting is ok manipulation. It becomes bad when the woman is toying with him, has no intention to accept his advances.
If a woman purposely brings a man to the brink and then backs off, that's manipulation. She is manipulating his desire for her favors to get more attention. Gifts. Whatever. It is not manipulation when she simply got carried away herself, and then "came to". But the result is the same. How do you tell the difference? The difference is in the intention, but from the outside you can't see the intention.
Sometimes a completely innocent woman will "come to", but then go through with something she knows is wrong, just to avoid charges of manipulation, and that's just plain sad.
This is one of my big problems. I have been many times accused of the grossest manipulation, mostly by ex-boyfriends, or those who wanted to be but were rejected. Sometimes it seemed like all I did was stand there, and they built this huge fantasy in their heads, and then when it didn't happen they accused me of manipulating them.
I've done some things that I hated, that I knew were not good for me, just to avoid being accused of manipulation.
So I try to be very clear and upfront, to make sure that everyone always knows exactly where I'm coming from, what I'm doing, and why, and that they are never under any obligation to do anything if they feel they have been manipulated into it. To always speak the truth, and never leave anything that matters unsaid. I ask people to please ask me what my motivations or intentions are if there's ever a question.
Can they believe the answer?
It doesn't work. That itself is seen as manipulation. Worse, manipulation on top of manipulation. Layers within layers of manipulation. Machiavellian manipulation.
Some people think I am expert at it.
I think it's all in their heads.
If I'm so good at it, howcome I rarely get what I want from people?
Reread the first paragraph.
Anything that is immediately recognized as manipulation is not manipulation. The very fact that you see it neutralizes it. Think used car salesman. The most dangerous people are the ones who are never caught at it, who are so used to it and so good at it that it's second nature. "Black widow" women, the spiders. TV and tent evangelists. So when I do something completely innocent of selfish intent, and someone sees it as manipulation, they are getting unfairly angry with me.
Why am I thinking about this? Because I need to be brutally honest with someone soon, and I'm pretty sure it will beSEEN as manipulation, and I don't know what to do about that. I mean if it is seen as manipulation, then it will be reacted to as a clumsy attempt to manipulate. I want honesty in return for honesty. I don't want annoyance in return for honesty.
Or am I so very good at it that even I don't know when I do it?
Am I angry because I want to do it and I'm not sure I can do it well?
Sigh. I don't understand.
No comments:
Post a Comment